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Rating: 0.25 out of 5
Growing up, I loved watching Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, starring Kevin Sorbo, in the late 90s. That show was a significant influence on my love for Greek Mythology. It was the show that made me like the gods because they seemed fantastic. Maybe it was because almost all of the women wore very revealing clothes. Case in point is Aphrodite. Whatever the reason, the show showed Hercules going through Ancient Greece and saving whatever village from either a monster, warlord, or one of the gods. Hell, even the great Anthony Quinn played Zues, and it had Hera’s creepy eyes displayed over the sky. The show was fantastic.
Before I forget, a quick history lesson on who Hercules was is due. Hercules is one of the most famous Ancient Greek Gods. He is best known for his strength and adventures, especially his twelve labors. Hercules is the son of the King of the Gods, Zeus, and Alcmene, a mortal. I think Hera, Queen of the Gods, hated him and always tried to kill him because he was the product of an affair that Zeus had. Side note: Zeus sleeps around a lot. I mean A LOT!
Through the years, a few movies have been about the legendary Greek God. In 2014, the Legend of Hercules dropped on the world, and Zeus should’ve sent a freakin lightning bolt and destroyed it. He should’ve ordered Poseidon to bury it deep in the ocean or had his brother Hades put it in some vault in the Underworld. The Legend of Hercules is one of the worst films I have ever watched. It came out the same year the Rock made a Hercules film. No matter; this was by far one of the worst films ever. I should attempt to give you some reasons why.
What is the Legend of Hercules about? In the year 1200 BC in ancient Greece, the warlord and King Amphitryon of Tiryns (Adkins) conquered every kingdom his eyes had set upon. He is hated by his wife, Queen Alcmene (McKee). One day, Queen Alcmene prays to the Queen of the Gods, Hera, for guidance. Zeus rolls down and impregnates Alcmene with the savior of her people, who will one day be named Hercules. Amphitryon names the boy Alcides. Twenty years later, Prince Alcides (Lutz) is the lover of Princess Hebe of Crete (Weiss). Hercules’s older brother Prince Iphicles (Garrigan) is a little shit who wants to be the love of Princess Hebe. Shit goes down between the brothers when Amphitryon states that Hebe will marry Iphicles and sends Hercules away for a three-year military campaign in Egypt. When Hercules is saved from an assassination, he becomes a slave who soon unites the forces against his evil stepdaddy.
You got a nice overview; based on it, it wouldn’t be that bad. This film is all over the place. Let’s start with the TERRIBLE action scenes. Holy shit, were they bad. Why did every scene that looked like a finishing move have to be in slow motion? It made zero sense. Amphitryon fought some dude in the beginning of the film and as they fought, his fists went slow motion to add some dramatic flare to the punch. My lord, I couldn’t stand seeing Hercules jump through the air in slow motion, yelling for no damn reason to deliver the attack. When he did some fighting, it showed him throwing people around but not acknowledging his father. Zeus needed to come down and do the Roman Reigns.
The aesthetic of this film was awful. I don’t know what they were trying to do, but it looked shitty. First, it had a vibe of 300, and some of the other films rolled into one. It looked awful, and I wanted my eyes to stop hurting. It seemed three different directors made this shitty film. It got to the point that every 30 minutes, a new style was introduced, or it changed the whole feel of the film.
Don’t get me started on the story. First, where were the freakin gods? Where were Zeus and Hera and any other of them? I watch Greek Mythology movies to see freakin the Greek Gods. Fine, you want to make a film about Hercules, that is cool, but at least put some gods in there. Zeus was shown as wind, an eagle, and a lightning bolt. Really? Did Hera give her permission for Zeus to bang because people were praying to her? Where was Ares, Athena, or even Apollo?
The freakin acting was beyond terrible. It was so bad that it started to be laughable after a while. First, we have to talk about Kellan Lutz as Hercules. Dude, what the freak were you doing? I’m sorry, but this was one of the most unentertaining performances I have seen in a while. I know he tried his best, but this was not a great performance. Adding to the misery of acting was the performance of Scott Adkins as King Amphitryon. I didn’t know what you were doing. You seemed to hate every minute of the performance or were trying to seem more significant than you were. I guess you did your job and made King Amphitryon seem like a major dick. Liam Garrigan, I want to thank you for making Iphicles a punk-ass little bitch. You always need an annoying character, and Garrigan overacted to make sure it happened for his character.
The Legend of Hercules is one of those films that you definitely do not need to watch. It is so bad that you might come out of it dumber and more confused. The story is terrible, the acting is pathetic, and the effects are all over the place. Besides watching this film, watch the Disney version or the tv show or Percy Jackson, but for the love of the gods, don’t watch this piece of shit film.
