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Sometimes a horror movie comes along that should never see the light of day. That should stay deep in the closet or underneath the bed. Some horror films are so bad that they become laughable. Then we have the horror films that are reproduced over and over and over again. Frankenstein is always made one way. The Wolfman still is weak against silver. Dracula will always suck blood and be a creature of the night. Yet, a film comes along that throws out everything out and then mixes it together for one big pile of s**t of a movie.
Ladies and gentlemen, Dracula 2000 is that movie. A complete and utter waste of time. An entire pile of s**t. Looking for some frights? Not happening in this movie. Looking for some suspense? Ha! Better look elsewhere. Looking for a film that entirely is a head-scratcher and makes you say, “What?” This is the film for you and then some.
Wes Craven should’ve been ashamed to put his name on this movie. I guess the film needed something to back it. So, where do we start with this film? I guess the plot. After talking about something in the late 19th century, the film picks up in the great city of London. We are introduced to Matthew Van Helsing (Plummer), a wealthy antique dealer and “grandson” to the legendary Abraham Van Helsing. Matthew’s antique store is built over Carfax Abbey. Matthew states that his grandfather was nothing but a country doctor and the figure everyone knows today as the one who killed Dracula was just made up by “the ravings of a mad Irish novelist.” One day, a group of thieves led by Marcus (Epps), an American criminal, and Solina (Esposito), Van Helsing’s traitorous secretary come and rob the antique store. Buried underground, is a silver coffin that is greatly guarded by deadly traps which kill two of Marcus’ crew.
The thieves escape with the coffin and fly it back to the States. During its trip, the thieves manage to open the coffin and out pops Dracula (Butler), who quickly kills everyone and crash lands in the heart of New Orleans during Mardi Gras. The best time to crash land. Van Helsing packs his s**t up and goes after Dracula in New Orleans, only to be followed by his business associate Simon Shepard (Miller). While confronting his boss, Simon soon learns vampires exists and gets a crash course in taking them down. He also learns that Matthew is actually the real Abraham Van Helsing from long ago, and the way he has been keeping himself alive is giving himself blood transfusions from leeches off of Dracula’s body. Oh, wait! There is more! In New Orleans is Mary (Waddell), Abraham’s long-estranged daughter, who has the blood of Dracula running through her veins and is the best candidate to be her ultimate bride. Finally, and the true kicker. Matthew has explained that he has no idea how to kill Dracula because beheading and a stake through the heart doesn’t quite work.
So yeah, that’s the film. Where the film truly lost me beside the lousy acting and plot is the background of Dracula. Dracula can’t stand silver like a werewolf, but not for the reason anyone can think of. Oh, and he hates all things Christianity but seems to be okay around crosses and the bible. The reason is????? Dracula is actually Judas Iscariot. The one who betrayed Jesus. The one who accepted 30 pieces of silver and then tried to hang himself because he knew he was wrong, but the rope he used broke, and now he must walk the earth for all eternity.
The film is primarily Mary running around like crazy because she has had visions of Dracula. They have a link together. Every now and then, she has a vision and then runs away. Simon runs around, trying to wrap his head around what is going on and then tries his best to save Mary. Nothing too special at all.
You know what the best part of this whole film was??? The three brides: Jennifer Esposito, Colleen Ann Fitzpatrick, aka Vitamin C, and Jeri Ryan. Out of this entire movie, once they turned into vampires, they were the most entertaining part. Esposito made Solina look crazy yet seductive. Fitzpatrick at least tried to be entertaining, and Ryan was herself.
Dracula 2000 is a laughable film that can stay under the bed, in the closet and never see the light of day again. Don’t waste time on this film even during Halloween. There are much better vampire movies to watch this film.
