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Rating: 0.25 out of 5
Ooooh, Valentine’s Day, how do I hate you and think you are the most pointless holiday we have? Valentine’s Day is a straight-up rip-off where people get one day to profess their love for the person. Really? Every day is Valentine’s Day with the one you love, but nope, I have to buy flowers, an expensive gift, and maybe an expensive dinner just to show the person you love them. Give me a fucking break. Valentine’s Day is definitely easier in elementary school. You buy your kid a box with characters on it, and they write each person’s name on it, then throw it in a paper bag. Those were the days.
In the early 2000s, the horror slasher genre started making films after holidays, where there were at least six women who were terrorized by a killer. I am proud to say that Valentine’s Day received a special film treatment in 2001. The one, the only, and terrible Valentine. A movie so bad that it will make you want to swear off Valentine’s Day altogether and skip to St. Patrick’s Day. Oh, wait. That holiday comes with a killer, too. DAMNIT!! Well, Valentine is a film directed by Jamie Blanks and stars Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, and Katherine Heigl, based on a novel by Tom Savage. A film where a group of pretty, sometimes naïve, and full of themselves women in San Fran are stalked by a killer wearing a lovable Cupid mask. BLAH!
How does this “amazing” piece of art start? Glad you asked. It starts in a time and place where teenagers get ridiculed and traumatized for life. The fantastic world of junior high school. At a Valentine’s Day dance in 1988, San Fran, Jeremy Melton is an outcast. He tries to “rizz” it up and asks four popular girls to shake their tailfeathers with him. The first three girls, Shelley, Lily, and Paige, laugh at him and say ewww and tell him to buzz off. Kate says maybe later, which gives Jeremy some hope. The girl group’s other friend is Dorothy, the thick one, who accepts Jeremy’s invite, and the two go behind the bleachers and make out. When the pair are discovered by the school’s bullies, Dorothy thick self accuses Jeremy of attacking her. The bullies whip Jeremy’s ass, which makes his nose bleed from distress. Jeremy is then expelled and transfers to a reform school and juvenile hall. That is fucked up. The most fucked up thing is that Shelley, Lily, and Paige testify against Jeremy, which sends him to a mental institution. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
What did I tell you? Junior high can really mess a person up, but wait, we haven’t seen the best parts of the film. The film jumps to the present day, and the girls are thriving and somehow still are friends. Shelly (Heigl) is a med student and is on a date with Jason. I have been on plenty of first dates, and as a guy, Jason makes all the nice guys look like kings because dude speaks in the third person and is a total ass. I bet Jason pulls ass also. Shelly drops dude and heads back to the morgue and studies for an exam the next day. Shelly finds a Valentine’s Day card signed by J.M. and is suddenly attacked by a person with a Cupid mask. Shelly tries to escape into a room full of cadavers in a body bag. The killer stabs each bag, making Shelly jump. The killer grabs Shelly, cuts her throat, and his nose bleeds from the hole of the mask. Damn, that was quick for Katherine Heigl. At Shelly’s funeral, Kate (Shelton), Lily (Cauffiel), Dorothy (Capshaw), and Paige, played by the beautiful Denise Richards, who I would gladly be her Valentine, discuss how each of them received a Valentine’s Day card signed by J.M.
This film sucked major ass. The pacing and story were off. The acting and character were forgettable, and everything else about this film was a complete waste of time. The concept of the story was okay. The whole kid getting picked on and coming back to kill has been played out. This one dude had a great reason to get revenge because the girls straight up ruined his life. This film could have gone the dark and terrifying route. Did it? Nope, it went the cartoonish way of killing each person. Lily is in the movie for like a good two minutes, and the next thing you know, she is shot with an arrow.
The story’s concept was okay, but it didn’t stick the landing at all. You would think that with a horror movie, you would be scared. This was more of a laughable occasion that will make you want to be single. As a slash film, this is probably one of the most boring slasher films. Each person was killed in a way that will make you scratch your head and wonder why it happened. Lily runs through an art show that her douchey boyfriend is doing, only to be shot in the chest by a crossbow arrow and fall over a railing into a trash can. Really? My girl Paige died in a what the hell is going on way. Paige’s sexy self went to the jacuzzi only for her to get locked in it and have homeboy drill holes down on her before electrocuting her. The killings and the way that they were done were hilarious and pathetic. The ending was a sad excuse for trying to divert attention from the killer’s identity, only to show that you knew who the killer was in the beginning. If you watched Scooby Doo, the character who is least on screen is the one who did it. We are not stupid.
The acting was downright BAD or AWFUL. It is so bad that you can’t help but laugh and want them to die. There is no one I cared about, and all the characters are the stereotypical girl group you would find. Lily is the hustler who needs to fly out for work. Dorothy is the plump girl who is the rich one and gets taken advantage of by a deadbeat boyfriend. Kate is the oh-my-god girl who is clueless, but somehow the heroine. Paige is the one who men lust after and is highly sexualized, but also talks about sex all the time. The scene where dude takes out his little man and Paige looks at it made me want to laugh because she was so unimpressed.
Valentine is the type of film that will make you happy to be single. The story was downright awful and a waste of time. The acting really needed some work, but Denise Richards, you are oh so foine. Leave this movie in its proper place. In the fire and then drink a glass of wine or maybe a shot of tequila.
