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Rating: 1 out of 5
One, two, Freddy’s coming for you
Three, four, better lock your door
Five, six, No one cares anymore!
Seven, eight, blah, blah blah
Nine, ten, I’m going to bed
Well, Freddy can come for me because after seeing this movie, the real nightmare is watching this movie again and having my brain melt into a slow demise. The age of remaking horror movies has become disappointing, and this film was a major disappointment. Friday the 13th? Blah! The Amityville Horror? What a freakin’ joke! The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Seeing Jessica Biel run around isn’t that bad, but it’s laughable. Where is Johnny Depp guts exploding from the bed when you need him.
Let’s make the story pretty quick with this film. As usual, it follows some teens that are having nightmares. They all have the same person in their dream. A burnt, crispy man wearing a red and green sweater and having knife-like claws on one of his hands. See how bad that is? I couldn’t remember if Freddy Kruger has claws on both hands or just one. It really doesn’t matter because this film is not that good but back to the overview. Well, the teens start dying off one by one in their dreams, and no one can figure out why as all the parents state that Freddy is dead. It is up to the teens to figure out what is really going on and stop the monster that haunts their very dreams.
Okay, so I don’t even know where to start with this film. Here, the first film was truly an art. Robert England was magnificent as Freddy. He was witty, somewhat charming, and very creepy in the same light. What the first one did so well was the use of horrors, jump scares, and the deaths of the kids. The bathtub scene and the Johnny Depp exploding blood scenes are iconic. This remake was blah.
The first major problem that this film did was with Freddy Kruger. In a remake, you definitely want something different, and it sure did go a different route with this character. Gone is the funny, one-liners and instead is a far darker Freddy. There is nothing wrong with making a horror character darker, but it must be done right, and this Freddy wasn’t scary at all. It seemed to try too hard. Honestly, Jackie Earle Haley seemed to just be Rorschach all over again. It just didn’t feel right. Even though Freddy was a serial killer of children, in this one, he straight up was touching the little boys and girls. THAT’S JUST NASTY!!!
Honestly, I don’t know what to say about this film or even the plot. The plot is all blah. We start off with a diner scene, and then a kid gets killed. We meet Nancy and her friends, and each one ends up dead. The film was an endless cycle of “OMG I saw a burnt-up man, and he slashed my nose” or “Holy s**t! I dreamed of the same guy, and when I woke up, the place he slashed was ripped.” After the first death, we get it, Freddy Kruger kills you in your dreams, and the only way to defeat him is to bring him out of your dreams.
Okay, I’m done with this film. Are the jump scares even worth mentioning? Hell naw because they weren’t scary. My left pinky toe quivered in my sock and then laughed at this film. Might as well watch the original because it is far better than this remake.
