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Rating: 1 out of 5
How many versions of Peter Pan are we going to get in this world? There seem to be so many versions of Peter Pan that I have lost count by now. Disney had their classic cartoon version. Then the world was introduced to the awful Hook version, where Peter Pan was a grown-up and had kids. Then we went back to Peter Pan being a kid. Hell, we even had a great movie called Finding Neverland that showed how Peter Pan came to be. In 2015, we are introduced to another version of Peter Pan called Pan. This version doesn’t fly, have magical pixie dust or lost boys. This film was the unwanted origin story of Peter Pan that should’ve stayed on Neverland and never seen the light of day.
How does this version of Peter Pan start? Well, newborn Peter (Miller) is left on the steps of a London orphanage in the 1930s by his Mary (Seyfried), who is literally in the movie for about 30 total seconds. Mary leaves Peter a mysterious pan flute pendant. The film jumps forward during World War II. Peter still lives at the orphanage that is ruled by the stringent and non-children loving Mother Barnabas (Burke). Barnabas hordes all the excellent food for herself while feeding the kids some nasty a** food. One day, Peter and his best friend decide to raid the secret food pantry. In the process, they find a letter written by Peter’s loving mother that states they will meet again.
For a reason, I don’t know nor care to know, Barnabas, summons pirates who kidnap Peter, Nibs, and some other orphans. Peter is taken aboard a flying pirate ship and taken off to Netherland. In Netherland, he is introduced to the oh so pale and bad hairdo leader of the pirates Blackbeard (Jackman), who has everyone mining for Pixum or crystallized Fairy Dust. While in the mines, Peter meets James Hook (Hedlund) and his accomplice, Sam “Smee” Smiegel (Akhtar). After finding Pixum on his very first day in the mines, a person takes it and states he found some. Peter ends up insulting the man, which he should have and ends up having to walk the plank over the deep mine. Peter survives by somehow flying, or I would say, levitating off the ground before hitting it very hard and blacking out. When Peter wakes up, he has a conversation with Blackbeard. Blackbeard tells Peter about the Indian tribe’s prophecy of a flying boy who would lead an uprising to kill him. Still, Peter refuses to believe in “bedtime stories.” Well, the movie then goes into Peter, Hook, and Smee escaping the mines and then finding the Indian tribe and blah, blah, blah.
Okay, first off, if this is supposed to be an origin story, it was one of the worst origin stories around. I guess you have to throw in a way to make Hook and Pan friends first. I thought Hook was way older than Pan. In this film, they are what, a high school senior and maybe a middle schooler if that. The age difference made no sense. So how many years went by before their eventual falling out. In some other movies, Hook seems to stay the same age, just like Peter does. When will Hook get old, and when does he get his iconic hook? These are questions that need to be answered.
Let’s talk about Blackbeard and his overall character. Let me get this correct. You pretty much decide to eradicate a whole species or race to get Pixum and then realize that you need them to keep making Pixum because they have a de-aging property to it. That was not a boss move right there. Then the whole way, he took Pixum. Look like taking crack through a mask. Homeboy took that DEEP inhale. Actually, I don’t know what is in Pixum, but if it can revert you back to looking like you did in your thirties, then it must be some really, really good stuff.
I don’t even know what else I can say about this film. I know where to start. How about the introduction to Blackbeard, Netherland, and the mines? W.T.F was all that? When the ships were flying in, and the miners were singing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana. I don’t know about you, but that is the wrong song to sing. Really? That was the song you made people sing! Why? No one seemed happy to be working, and that definitely didn’t look like teen spirit. Should’ve picked a far better song than that
Now I’m no casting director, BUT I know that some roles should be cast a certain way. I didn’t know nor remembered Tiger Lily was white. I am pretty sure Tiger Lily is Native American. She has always been portrayed as Native American. So, the question is, how does Rooney Mara become Tiger Lily. This is no knock against Mara, but there wasn’t anyone else in mind. Not one person. Also, the film couldn’t find a person to play Tinker Bell. How do you have Tinker Bell? Tinker Bell is an iconic Peter Pan figure. She should’ve been around and did her thing. Yet, I get flashing bright ass lights. You should be ashamed of yourself of not having Tinker Bell.
The CGI was so bad when it came to Peter flying; it just looked way off. It didn’t even look natural. Okay, CGI isn’t supposed to look natural, but this looked very, very much off. The film just should’ve had people flying around with wires on them, not this CGI crap.
The references to Peter Pan were actually pretty cringeworthy also. For example: When Peter first flies. Before Blackbeard kicks him off, he says, “Dream happy thoughts.” I guess this could be a way to tell you how to fly, but the movie never really explained that is the true way of flying. Even towards the end, he says it, and Peter starts flying. What is your happy thought, Peter? What did you think of? The second example was when Peter escapes over the wall. Bishop reports that Peter escaped, and Blackbeard states that they lost the boy, which Bishop replies, “Yes, he is a lost boy.” Okay, no need for that dumb placement.
For the cast, well, they were around. Miller was okay as Peter. Don’t really need to overact for this character. He was funny sometimes but overly serious and down on himself. It was a different take on what Peter Pan should be. I have no earthly idea what they were doing with James Hook. Hedlund played Hook like some over the top cowboy or tried to be some type of cowboy with the way he spoke and acted. Pretty much messed up James Hook for all eternity. Jackman as Blackbeard. I honestly just don’t know. You weren’t bad, but you weren’t great. You were right in the middle. Maybe cut down on all the singing and trying to be all musical.
In the film, Chief Great Little Panther states before he meets his untimely end, “Death is the greatest adventure.” Well, while watching this movie, I would take that adventure than watching this film. How about this, go to Disneyland and ride the Peter Pan ride. It is only about three minutes, and it will be far more entertaining than this movie.
