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Rating: 0.5 out of 5
My all-time favorite melody is “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?” It is a classic! My favorite version is the Disney version, where the three little pigs sing their song while playing their music. I can whistle that song over and over again. With that said, what the freak was going through people’s minds when they decided to make this pathetic, worthless, waste of all the time in the world version of Red Riding Hood. How the hell do you mess up a folk tale like Little Red Riding Hood? You try and make it into this worthless thing and add a love triangle and all this mysterious crap! Oh, what a waste of time!
So, what is this awful movie about? It is based on the story Little Red Riding Hood (as the name states), but honestly, it is nothing like the story. Is there a BIG BAD WOLF? You bet your ass there is. Does “Little” Red Riding Hood go see her grandmother? Somewhat. The grandmother lives in the village with her or on the outskirts. I wasn’t paying too much attention. Okay, so here is the deal with this film. It is set during a cold ass winter in a snow-covered forest during a year of the Medieval times. Valerie (Seyfried), aka Red Riding Hood, is a beautiful young woman torn between two men. You are truly about to get some Twilight vibes going on here. Only one isn’t a vampire. Valerie is deeply in love with the outsider of the village, Peter (Fernandez). Her parents have arranged for her to be married to the wealthy Henry (Irons). Not wanting to lose each other, they come up with a grand plan to run away.
Things change when Valerie’s older sister has been killed by the werewolf that prowls the dark forest surrounding their village. For decades, the villagers have offered a monthly animal sacrifice as a truce between them and the mighty creature. We know how monster movies go, and under the blood-red moon, the wolf decides that he has had enough with pitiful bunny flesh. The wolf takes the life of a human. The villagers decide to get revenge and hunt down the wolf. While at it, one of the church people call on famed werewolf hunter, Father Solomon (Oldman), to help them kill the wolf. Well, the villagers manage to kill a wolf believing it is the actual werewolf. When Father Solomon arrives in his gangsta carriage and armed men, he states that the wolf that the villagers have killed is nothing but a mere and pathetic wolf. Werewolves turn back into their human form. How does he prove this? He carries around a severed hand. He also states that the werewolf returns to human form during the day, and anyone can be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. See what I did there? Pretty hilarious! As these stories go, the death toll rises with each moon, Valerie begins to suspect that the werewolf could be someone she loves. Could it be her grandmother for what big eye she has? Or could it be her father, for what big teeth he has? Or could it be her lover, for what big ears he has?
Okay! I don’t even know where to begin with this film. It was profoundly boring with some bizarre scenes. I really don’t know where to speak on it because my brain ached from watching it. First, I didn’t mind the setting. During Medieval times or some village deep in the mountains is fine. I felt like that set up a really good atmosphere. No issue there.
The story made no sense, either. How the hell do you mess up Little Red Riding Hood? It is honestly one of the most straightforward stories to do and remember. A little girl had a red cape. Her mother gives her a picnic basket to take to her grandmother. She is not supposed to talk to strangers but speaks to a wolf. Wolf runs off and eats the grandmother and then dresses up as the grandmother. You know the story. I don’t need to explain it all the way. Yet this mess of a movie gave me this Twilight meets Underworld meets whatever love story that meets clue. It had some elements of the story. For example, when Valerie looks at her grandmother and states, “What big eyes you have.” Now I will admit, her grandmother had some big glowing eyes. Listen, I don’t know about you, but homegirl had one of the brightest and longest red capes ever. When I mean it was bright red, it was BRIGHT red. Being against the snow didn’t help. That wasn’t no hood or even a cloak. It was like a coronation gown that a queen would wear.
I guess my biggest gripe was this whole freakin’ love story. The film is like a bootleg version of Twilight, and I didn’t even like that film. It has this love triangle that really didn’t seem like a love triangle. It was a complete mess, and it seemed like there was NO chemistry for a while there. Then the ending was blah because did love genuinely prevail? Hell, if I care!
The film also spends a considerable amount of time trying to make you figure out who is the big bad wolf. Now the movie did make the wolf intimidating, but come on. Spending ninety minutes trying to figure out who the wolf is, is a complete waste. Is it one of Valerie’s lovers? Is it the grandmother? Is it someone in the village? The movie does an awful job keeping you entertained to try and at least guess who the wolf is. Also, how many werewolves are in this world? When Gary Oldman rolls up in the camp, he is like I killed so many. How many are there, and how did this wolf come to this town.
Oh! This fill messed up, “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?” I was completely pissed when I heard it in this film. First, the village had this grand celebration, and several people dressed up in whatever outfits and sung the song. I thought this was Red Riding Hood, not the Three Little Pigs. The whole celebration and dance scene was weird. It looked like an orgy might happen because it was getting that strange.
Gary Oldman, I don’t know what you were thinking when you signed up for this film. You should’ve known that this film couldn’t hang with your acting chops. Do you remember Dracula and a very young Keanu Reeves? This film had a little bit of the same thing. Oldman was head and shoulders above everyone else, and it was a waste to see such a talent wasted on this film. All the other cast members really don’t need to be mentioned because they are truly forgettable.
The question that should be asked is, Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf? After watching this film, no one should be afraid of the big bad wolf. Not even a tiny, innocent hamster. I would say that I don’t know how you can mess up a classic story, but this film has proved me wrong. There are far better movies to watch than this film.
