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Rating: 1 out of 5
I don’t know when escape rooms became popular, but they are sure showing up quite a bit in movies now. So far, I haven’t found one that has been any good or decent. I guess the 2019 Escape Room movie was okay. This time around, we get “No Escape Room,” the latest in a line of horror movies where people need to find a way to escape. This time, your brain wants to escape the boredom of this film. If I had to describe No Escape Room, take an escape room and then think of any time loop movie you have seen, and this is No Escape Room. That’s it in a very dull way.
So, what is No Escape Room about? Great question, and I am glad you asked. It begins with father Michael (Ghanimé) and his daughter, Karen (Ross), on a road trip together. Karen has ZERO interest as she spends so much time texting and having her headphones on as her father tries to connect. After the engine blows and Karen almost getting his by an 18-wheeler, they end up at a diner along with someone fixing their car. As they eat their food, Michael wants to do something and reads the paper to get ideas. He sees an escape room and asks the waitress, Betsy (Hurman) if the place is any good. In this creepy tone, while trying to “horrifying,” she states, “you don’t want to go there because bad things happen” speech before bursting out laughing as a joke, but then she says they will have one hell of a time and that Betsy sent them.
Deciding that it might be fun, Michael and Karen get dropped off at this nice house that is a little isolated. Inside, they are greeted by the creepy Josie (Barnes), who says they know her. This should be a clue that this could be strange and get out of the house. Well, Karen and Michael are lead into another room where they meet Melanie (Davis) and her boyfriend, Tyler (Haq), along with the quiet Andrew (Andres). Josie brings out cups of smoking tea and states she doesn’t get many visitors. She hands them all contracts saying the authorities need proof. Josie then takes everyone’s phone, so no one can help them on the outside. Finally, Josie shows a film about the history of the house from an inventor who did experiments. The town sent five people to stop the inventor and his experiments but was never heard from again. Their goal is to find out what happened to these five people who went missing and help them escape the house. There is a key in each room to help them along the way, but they will only have one hour to complete the task before the forces lurking within the house drives them mad. If they cannot continue, all they have to do is speak the word “awake,” and they shall be freed from the house. As the group is lead to the first room, the door behind them closes and locks. The group soon learns that darkness will capture them if they don’t complete any tasks.
Okay, I was with the film for the first and second room because it got me intrigued with the clues and getting out with all the masks and numbers on them. Maybe because I want to do an escape room. During these two rooms, the only “scary” parts happened with Tyler’s punk ass and him whining and wanting to go home. Dude, how do you pull a hot-ass woman like Melanie? You a straight-up punk bitch. Were the things that happened to him spooky and strange? Of course, but man up, son.
After that, this movie goes down faster than a rollercoaster car going down the big drop. Somehow people get split up, and then they start dying. Now some of the horror concepts are meh because you have seen them before. A person can’t leave a room, a dreaded basement with dead bodies, something happening at the lake. All this has been seen before and put together in a pathetic excuse of a horror movie. It could’ve been better, but the execution was off.
Like when Karen was locked in the basement. Was it intense for her or anyone else? Of course, it sounded like a beast walking back and forth, but if you’ve seen other horror movies, the moment somewhat passes by quickly. The entire scene with Michael and the ghost lady of the lake. What was that? Homegirl was looking out the water like a freakin alligator, and then when she stood up, her dress was so dry, and she was so pale. Honestly, it looks like they took the girl from the Ring and threw her in this film because that is what it looked like to me. Poor Andrew. They didn’t have to do him like that. He was the smart one, and they dragged him off so quickly, and you couldn’t tell what happened. To me, it was a death that had zero reason other than just someone dying.
Now, I somewhat liked the ending as it dealt with this whole-time loop concept. The problem is that it was just thrown in the whole film and really didn’t build up to that moment. I guess when Josie quickly said that she had seen them before, that was a clue, but the film gave zero reasons why the ending happened that way or if they were going to get out. Also, what happened when someone else comes by? Does the whole thing happen again?
For the actress and actors, if this was some of their first movies, hey, something to add to the resume. You got to start somewhere and get some experience. Not everyone is Meryl Streep or Denzel Washington when they start out. Hope they take this as a learning experience and keep going.
Overall, No Escape Room can be called, keep your ass at home and watch something else. This is not the last movie that will have escape rooms as the theme. They are starting to look all the same and quite dull. Hopefully, when I do mine, it won’t be a battle to the death.
