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Rating: 1 out of 5
Let’s do a history tour on the life of President Abraham Lincoln. President Lincoln is considered one of the greatest Presidents in United States history. Lincoln was the 16th president of the United States, and damn did he have to move this country in the right direction. During his time as president, he led the nation through the American Civil War, preserving the Union and abolishing slavery. Lincoln threw down an incredible speech with the Gettysburg Address. Sadly, he was assassinated. Yet, his story and legacy live on with the amazing Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC being on the five-dollar bill and that penny.
Here is something you might not know about our former president. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter? Yep, you read that correctly. President Abraham Lincoln was a skilled vampire hunter that twirled around a silver ax and went Blade style on some vamps. I hope you know that I am kidding, but Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is a film that explores the secret yet strange tale of the top hat-wearing, ass-kicking, honest president and his war against vampires. You bet your sweet ass that this film is crazy, insane, and downright strange sometimes.
The film starts off with Abe as a young boy. His parents worked at a plantation owned by Jack Barts (Csokas). Abe becomes friends with an African American boy, William Johnson, during a workday. When William is beaten, the young Abraham steps in but gets whipped. For his disobedience, Abraham’s parents are fired, and that night, Abe sees Barts sucking the blood from his mother’s neck. In the days that followed, his mother passed away. Years later, Abe (Walker) is on his Drake grind and, looking for revenge, finds Barts and shoots him at point-blank range, but dude doesn’t die. As Barts is about to kill Abe, some more crazy shit happens, and he is saved by Henry Sturges (Cooper). Henry explains to Abe that the man was a vampire and that the only way to kill them is with silver. Henry offers Abe a chance to be a vampire hunter and trains him in the ways of killing the creatures. Abe moves away and beings his missions on the targets he must takedown. Along the way, he meets the beautiful Mary Todd (Winstead). As Abe finally extracts his vengeance against Barts, Barts lays down a revaluation that shakes Abe to his core. In the shadows, Adam (Sewell), the original vampire, plans to have the country for his own. As Abe rises to president and the Civil War breaks out, Abe learns that Adam is aiding the Confederacy. Now the fate of the country lies on the silver ax of the former president.
Let’s get this out of the way; this film is absolutely crazy. It’s somewhat entertaining, and the imagination going into this storyline must be applauded. It was like someone sat down and looked at Abraham Lincoln and said to themselves, “Dude was a vampire hunter, and let’s make sure he has this silver ax and somehow and someway he can cut down a tree is one strike.” It was ridiculous. Hey, if someone is going to pay you to make a movie, you might as well put this craziness on the big screen. Yet the thought of seeing our former president twirl around an ax and fighting vampires is funny, and even he seemed supernatural in himself.
I like learning about some of the characters in US history, but this one took it way beyond the history book because one, it’s not true, and two, you’re going “What?” Joshua Speed is apparently gay and has eyes for Abe. Jefferson Davis was in league with vampires and made sure they fed on slaves. Harriet Tubman was helping free all the slaves she could. Yea, you have to watch it to get a sense of what is going on.
I don’t know about you, but the best parts of this film were the fighting scenes. They were over the top and just crazy to watch. One of the craziest fight scenes was when Abe finally got his chance to kill Barts. These dudes fought on top of a rushing stampede of horses. Even at one point in the fight, a horse runs into Barts, and this dude throws a horse at Abe. Someone, rather than being crushed by this massive horse, Abe manages to get on top of the horse. It was crazy.
What about that final battle scene? It was at the Battle of Gettysburg. The North is losing as the South has vampires leading in the front lines. Abe gets the bright idea of confiscating all the silverware in the area and melting it to produce silver weapons. Speed tells Adam that Abe is going to transport the weapons by train. Abe is on the train, and he is wielding that ax like his old ass can. Also, you don’t mess with a president on top of a train and his ax. The scene is crazy because it has this matrix style as the bullets fly by. You know what a train scene needs?? A burning bridge. It is so crazy to watch.
Let’s take a minute about these vampires. It seems like nowadays, the classic killing a vampire is far gone. In this film, the vampires can stand in sunlight, no garlic, no religious stuff, and everything else. The only way to kill a vampire is with silver like a werewolf. Why is this reason? Once again, it’s because of Judas. I’ve heard this reason before. Let me think of where I heard it??? Oh yea, Dracula 2000. Where are the original ideas any more?
Even though this movie is entertaining and bad, Benjamin Walker as Abraham Lincoln was decent. He made a believable Abe Lincoln, and even Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Mary Todd Lincoln was cool. When homegirl found Vadoma and shot her ass, it was a priceless moment. Also, Anthony Mackie is in this film. Mr. Falcon himself before he was the Falcon.
Overall, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is a film that has action, minimal plot, and some special effects that might make you go oh. Honestly, the story can be about any president. How about George Washington cutting down that cherry tree and fighting hoards of werewolves. Great US history material right here.
