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Rating: 0.5 out of 5
While scouring the depths of Tubi, I really couldn’t find anything to watch. Okay, that was a lie; there was plenty to watch, but I couldn’t make up my mind. For some reason, I landed on a film that could’ve been porn but wasn’t close to star-quality porn material. That “wonderful” film was the Italian film Arabella Black Angel. Many thoughts ran through my head as I read the synopsis. Something deep inside me told me it wouldn’t be a great movie. A movie that was only 88 minutes long took me 5 days to watch because it was so awful, and my mind couldn’t take it. You are better suited to watching porn because those at least have better acting.
What is Arabella Black Angel about, you may ask? The film starts off strangely with a beautiful redhead named Arabella (Tinì Cansino) rolling up to this seedy and shady place in the middle of the woods. We see many people dressed up and getting their freaks on. Arabella is a nympho and obviously turned on. She begins to have sex when the police, out of nowhere, do a raid. She is captured and pretty much raped by one of the officers. It was strange but okay. We then see that Arabella is the wife of bitter novelist Francesco Veronese, who loves his wife, has a major obsession with her, and has writer’s block but is also paralyzed. How did Homeboy become paralyzed? He was getting head while driving on his wedding day, which caused an accident. Once again, can’t make this shit up. Unable to have her needs satisfied because of her husband, Arabella always seems to find herself in the wrong places. When the cop who raped her shows up at her home to get his freak on, this sparks Francesco’s dormant creativity and passion. But wait, there’s more!! As Francesco’s writer’s block seems to disappear, a mysterious scissor-wielding psycho butchers Arabella’s lovers that gives Francesco ideas on what to write. This catches the eye of beautiful Inspector Gina Falco’s attention. As Gina investigates, we come to the horror of who is really behind the murders and if Arabella’s promiscuous ways continue to help Francesco write his next bestseller.
Did you get the gist of that? Neither did I. When I started watching this film, I thought I landed on porn because the nudity was everywhere. As I watched, the off-the-wall shit that was presented was laughable. Listen, porn might be all over the place, but sometimes they have a decent story, and we know what we are getting into. We just want to see naked women. I guess that’s what the synopsis stated. I should’ve known better.
The story of this film could’ve been interesting. The premise was okay, but the execution was entirely off. Arabella is a nympho because her husband can’t please her; I get that. Hell, she will get her freak on is fine with me. First, what was up with the photographer? Did someone hire him, and was she famous? The element of a murderer targeting Arabella’s “lovers” I somewhat see it. She really didn’t have lovers that she saw on the regular. She banged a person, and that was it. She seemed like she was sexually assaulted. The whole thing with her family was all over the place. Her stepmother seemed to have mental problems. The whole thing with her husband was strange. Dude watched her have sex from his wheelchair and couldn’t get it up because he was getting a BJ from her. How didn’t she get hurt? Whatever.
Let’s focus on the murders. I had no idea what was happening. The dude ran around with scissors and attacked anyone who slept with Arabella. The woman confronted Arabella, and she wanted to meet in the park at night only to get killed. It was all over the place because the killer would stab the person and then violate them. I’m surprised they didn’t cut off the nipples, but they sure as hell went in some other directions. One dude had his penis cut off, and for some reason, every woman had the scissors thrust into her vagina. Straight up wrong.
I am just going to tell you what the ending was. Come to find out, Gina and Francesco were siblings split apart or something like that. For inspiration, Francesco faked his injury for some odd reason and drove around in a truck to kill his wife’s lovers. I thought it was the crazy mother, but I was utterly wrong. Out of all of it, Arabella got the money, and the book was written about her. She continues with her sexual ways. The End.
No need to watch this film. I did it for you, and you can watch porn or even Showgirls. There are so many other things to waste your time on. Dear Porn Stars, you make better films than this, and I see why you work so hard for recognition. After watching this film, you deserve all the praise you desire.
