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Rating: 0 out of 5
NO TURTLE SHELLS!
Recently, I went to go see Cats! Intrigued with the overall trailer and knowing that it would be the most terrible thing I will ever see, my curiosity took over. Talk about curiosity killed the cat. No pun intended. After taking my friend to see it, I have decided to write my review after wasting 2 hours of my life watching it and another 24 hours to recover from what I saw. I really didn’t want to write this review, but as a wannabe movie critic, I guess it is something I must do. Without further ado, here is my “wonderful” and “insightful” review on Cats!
This is Cowboy. A cat of all cats. He is by far more interesting than the so-called Macavity. He is more entertaining than the magician cat called Mr. Mistoffelees. This is a review on the one and only Cowboy. A more exciting cat than the film. Cowboy and I have a bizarre relationship. As his mother has pointed out that we are the Grinch and Max. I personally have a heart probably five times too small, and I ENJOY IT!!! Cowboy is the one that somehow and, for some odd reason, sticks by me and thinks I am his friend. As I tell him all the time that I tolerate him and call him by his nickname, BB (Butterball), Cowboy continues his epic journey to warming my heart with the only way he knows how. With love and cuddles. BLAH!
Who is Cowboy, you may ask? His is a round, orange tabby cat filled with more love and care than his round body can hold. He is about 65% Garfield (passion for food), 15% Tigger (athletic ability), 10% Young Simba (his roar is lacking), 9% Puss in Boots from Sherk (his sweet purring) and 1% Thomas O’Mally (streetwise). He is also an extraordinary cat! If you ever have the opportunity and pleasure of meeting Cowboy, you will quickly notice two things about this cat. The first is that he absolutely LOVES to talk. He will have a whole conversation with you in the first minute of you walking through the door.
Second, you will notice that his meow is more of a meh and that it really doesn’t match with his looks. If you were to expect a sweet, delicate meow, Cowboy is the wrong cat to get it from. Yet that is an excellent quality about Cowboy. Now unlike most cats where you have to earn their trust, Cowboy gives you love and affection within the first two minutes. He will sniff you twice and then headbutt your leg (NOTE: Don’t wear black pants!). Then he will purr his little heart out for pretty much anyone. This cat has very little loyalty for anyone but his mother. After the headbutt, you are in the world of Cowboy. Now he does have a hierarchy of people he loves and cares for. Somehow, I am part of this world, even with our significant differences. He likes to sit on my lap and then give me a headbutt to my face. After struggling with this cat, he goes to phase 2 and either burp in my face or licks my nose. Both BLAH! Then he will lay down for his cuddle session with me, trying to warm my ice-cold black heart. I give him credit. He tries his best.
One of Cowboy’s highest qualities is the love for his mother. He loves his mother dearly and is her snuggle bug. His mother has stated that he loves to wake up at the butt crack of dawn and start his meowing or meh. Pretty much he is like an alarm clock that won’t stop. She sees this as a problem and annoyance because she is trying to sleep. If only she knew this is Cowboy’s way of singing his song. Spending way more time than I need to with Cowboy, I learned that he sings two songs of joy. As he looks out the window as the morning sun rises slowly. Cowboy sits on the edge of his mother’s bed and starts his first song…………………..……….. Country roads, take me home. To the place I belong, WEST VIRGINIAAAAAAAA! Now, this usually gets him yelled at and thrown out the room. I feel bad for this cat as he tries to be helpful to his mother. I have been told that he usually leaves the room. As his mother tries to sleep, he paces outside her door, wondering what to sing next for his love of his mother. He returns a few minutes later, takes his position on the bed and sings his second song at the top of his mighty lungs……………………………….. SWEET HOME ALABAMA! Where the skies are so blue. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!
Cowboy likes to take short walks under the roof of his house. The walks consist of walking from the couch to the food bowl, back to the couch, back to the food bowl, and on the way back to the couch, might stop and flop down because it is too far to walk the rest of the way. Also, Cowboy is a 1st Level cat! After buying him a magnificent cat tower, he stays on the bottom level unless you put him on other levels. Cowboy don’t have time to jump up on different levels!
OH, SHIT!!! I forgot this is a review of the movie Cats! Okay, okay! So, Cats is about some cat that gets thrown away by her owner. The owner chucks the bag like she was an Olympic Shot-putter. Well, in the bag is a cat. This cat meets other ally cats that sing songs and whatever. I mean, you’re really not going to watch it because it is a total waste of time. Who needs to go see this movie? I just wrote an epic review about a cat that is far more entertaining than the movie. Fine! I guess I keep going. The CGI is terrible in this movie! Sometimes it didn’t look real. You don’t have cat costumes lying around. Don’t really need to see the tails move. Actually, many scenes looked like cat orgies. Maybe that is what the people who made this movie was going for. THAT’S JUST NASTY! Can I stop writing about Cats?! Once again, Cowboy or some other cat would be far more interesting to read about. Hell, you can sit outside and watch a cat sleeping on a car and would be more entertained by that than this movie. Fine! I keep going with the review. How big are these cats? They look like the size of mice. If Cowboy was in this film, he would probably be like Godzilla compared to them. James Cordon ate a shrimp the size of him. Ain’t no shrimp that big. Rebel Wilson, what cat have you ever seen eat roaches? That’s just nasty also. My head is hurting, even thinking about this film. The wonderful Judi Dench! You get a pass because you Judi Dench and you can do whatever you want. Okay, I’m going to stop because it is a waste of time, but I do have a treat!
After talking to Cowboy, he has decided to give you his top 5 choices on movies that would be way more entertaining than Cats and also have cats in the starring role.
#5: Puss and Boots (2011)
- Cowboy’s review: I am just as charming and smooth as that cat. Have you ever seen my Christmas outfits? I am beyond cute!
#4: Milo and Otis (1986)
- Cowboy’s review: Sometimes, I just want to go on an adventure with my pug friend. It might be to the couch and back, but its an adventure.
#3: Oliver and Company (Disney Version: 1988)
- Cowboy’s review: You don’t have anything to worry about when watching this movie. You shouldn’t even care. It helps a cat with their street smarts.
#2: Cats Don’t Dance (1997)
- Cowboy’s review: I can definitely dance my tail off. I have a checklist, and I’m going to show the world that I have some moves.
#1: The Aristocats (1970)
- Cowboy’s review: Everybody wants to be a cat, because a cat’s the only cat who knows where it’s at. This will make you feel like being a swingin’ cat and almost resembles the movie.
