0
0
Rating: 4 out of 5
Conan! What is best in life?
To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.
Conan the Barbarian is one of those films that I watch every time that it comes. It is full of action and sorcery, and you also get to see Arnold Schwarzenegger looking jacked as hell and James Earl Jones with the straightest hair. Hell, I remember watching this film a lot as a kid with the giant snake, the man turning into a snake, and the epic quote I put at the top of this review. I wanted to be as jacked as Arnold because he was so cool, even if I really didn’t understand the story.
Before we proceed, I want to give you a minor history lesson. First, Conan is a Marvel character. Yup, homeboy can appear in the Marvel Universe. That is freakin crazy. Secondly, Conan was created by Robert E. Howard is a sword-and-sorcery character. Conan appeared in his first issue in October 1970 and ran for 275 issues. Even though Conan was completely different from what Marvel did then, the character and series were hugely successful.
In 1982, Conan the Barbarian dropped upon the world and launched Arnold Schwarzenegger into stardom. Directed by John Milius and written by Milius and Oliver Stone, Conan the Barbarian tells the story of a barbarian warrior who calls upon his inner Drake and looking for that REVENGE for the death of his people and parents against a cult leader. Long ago, Conan was a great ruler. Before the mists of his legendary exploits, Conan was a small boy living with his parents. His father spoke of the world and the god Krum. One day, while out and about, the snake cult and their leader, Thulsa Doom (Jones), the evil wizard. Doom orders the massacre of the Cimmerians. Conan, holding his mother’s hand, watches as his mother is decapitated before his young eyes. Conan is orphaned and condemned to slavery. Chained to the iconic Wheel of Pain, Conan (Schwarzenegger) grows into a beast of a man. Conan is sold and turned into a fierce gladiator with the best training and women. One day, his owner grants him his freedom. With the image of his mother’s death burned inside his mind, Conan becomes a thief, where he teams up with Subotai (Lopez), the Hyrkanian thief, and Valeria (Bergman), the Queen of the Bandits. During his adventures as a thief, he learns of the mysterious Snake Cult and their leader. Will his training and exploits help him avenge his parents’ death and take down the evil sorcerer Thulsa Doom?
I don’t care what anyone says; the story of this film is straightforward and simple to understand. It is split up into three easy parts. The first is Conan’s childhood and growth to being a slave and gladiator. The film keeps it simple with training and showing Conan’s brutality in the ring. During this period, we really see Conan losing humanity in himself. He is a straight-up beast who seems to have no emotions or feelings. He kills and then is used for reproducing by sleeping with women of other villages. When he gave the quote above, it seemed like his owner was like, you need to find some sense of humanity and belonging. Dude kicked his ass out and told him to go.
The second part is when Conan meets the sexy witch and becomes a thief. When Conan meets the sexy witch, she tells him of the Snake Cult and where to look. She even tries to kill him, but she flies off in some ball of light. This phase is when Conan obtains his legendary sword from a dead king. This part of the film is the funniest as he meets Subotai, who is chained up. The pair become good friends and steal EVERYTHING they can get their hands on. Conan even punches a freakin camel. The team also meets, and Conan falls in love with Valeria. Valeria is a badass as she takes all and says, “Do you want to live forever?” The one great scene is when the trio is stealing a big-ass ruby, and Conan cuts off the head of this giant ass snake. Seeing Conan get so drunk that he fell face-first into his soup was hilarious. This phase ends when a king recruits Conan and his group to track down and bring back his daughter.
What I love about the third phase of this film is that shit goes down! Conan meets Thulsa Doom and gets his ass handed to him. Conan even bites the neck of a vulture to survive. I don’t know if it is straight-up gangster or savage. Also, we see Thulsa Doom turn into a freakin snake which was crazy to look at. We see a death and meet a wizard who heals Conan. This phase is the epic showdown between Conan and his crew against Thulsa Doom, the biggest and baddest dudes. The fight was great, and Conan even does what most of us do and tells his god to help or fuck off. I will say that the ending fell a little flat. I expected something more from when he fought against Thulsa Doom, but it was a quick death, and the film ended.
I must give it up to the special effects or animatronics. I feel like at that time, they were something to look at. The big ass snake scene was something because it was out of the ordinary. Some anacondas might be this big, but it was fantastic to look at on the scene as a kid. When Thulsa Doom turned into a snake, that was crazy to me and still is. How the camera moved with each bit of transformation added to the transformation process. I thought James Earl Jones could turn into a snake for the longest.
I thought the cast did a great job in this film and set the standard for future sword-and-sorcery films. This was the film that put Arnold Schwarzenegger on the map. He has minimal acting, but the dude showed off his muscles and swung that sword around like it was a stick. He was funny at specific points and serious as the famous warrior.
James Earl Jones and Thulsa Doom was the opposite of the brutal warrior. He embodied what it meant to be a cult leader. He was commanding and charismatic. Jones’s commanding voice seemed to boom and explode on the screen each time he spoke. As he said in the film, his voice is what true power is all about.
Sandahl Bergman, as Valeria, was another person who needed to be given some major praise. I love this character because she showed a strong ass woman. She took no shit from anyone, even though she is incredibly gorgeous.
Conan the Barbarian is a film that had a lasting impact on the world and the film industry. It held the standard of what a sword-and-sorcery film should be until other films came along with better technology and effects. It is still a great watch. The cast from Schwarzenegger, Jones, and Bergman are fun to watch and bring something to this film. Watch the original and be impressed with Conan. You won’t live forever.
