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Rating: 1 out of 5
Oh, Dark Shadows, a film that was made after an American gothic soap opera. The show aired from June 27, 1966, to April 2, 1971, that depicted the lives, loves, trials, and tribulations of the wealthy and psychotic Collins family of Collinsport, Maine, where a many supernatural things go bump in the night. I asked my mom about the show because she remembered it after I went and saw this movie in the theaters. She commented that the show was good, crazy, and strange all at the same time because it was something new. Now, the strange and unique Director Tim Burton with equally strange and unique Johnny Depp have teamed up once again for their eighth outing together to bring us the 2012 version of Dark Shadows. Let’s just say that this film should’ve stated really, really, really deep in the shadows where no light can get to it, except for Eva Green. I am in love with Eva Green, and she can do no wrong in my eyes.
What is this film about? Thank you for asking. In 1760, young Barnabas Collins and his wealthy family set sail from Liverpool to the New World, where they dropped bags and established the town of Collinsport in Maine, where they started and built the family empire in the fishing business. The family thinking they needed more, decided to spend the next fifteen freakin years building a mansion called Collinwood. During that time, Barnabas (Depp) and the family servant Angelique Bouchard (Green) start hooking up. While Barnabas was just tapping that ass and Angelique saying she loved Barnabas goes on and states that he actually loves Josette DuPres (Heathcote). Yep, you see where this is going. Little does Barnabas know is that Angelique is a powerful witch. There is nothing on this earth like a woman scorn. What does she do? She curses Barnabas and his family, killing his parents, Josette, and turning him into a vampire. Some messed up shit right there, but she isn’t done quite yet. She has the locals turn on him and lock him in a coffin and bury him for eternity. Damn homie. The film picks up in 1972 when Victoria Winters comes to the decadent Collinswood to be the tutor of the young David Collins. Collinwood is an absolute dump, and the company is on the verge of bankruptcy. All that is left of the family is Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Pfeiffer), daughter Carolyn Stoddard (Moretz), and other members. Well, several workers find a coffin and open it to awaken Barnabas. He kills all and drinks all their blood only to return to Collinswood. He meets the family, proves his identity, and promises to restore the family business to its former glory. Things seem great until Angelique, who is very much alive and prominent in the town, remembers what Barnabas did to her and still wants revenge.
I first want to start off that I am a fan of Tim Burton and his weird, strange, and unique directing style. Rather stand out in the crowd than be part of it. Like all the Burton movies, this one has a dark and dreary tone. The problem is that this film was beyond boring and a head-scratcher. It was a really big head-scratcher and set the gothic soap opera back all the way until the 1700s.
The highlight of this film is the visuals. They are top-notch and consistent with many of Burton’s other films. Honestly, if you are looking for movies with a dark tone or atmosphere with specific colors that stand out, watch a Burton film, and this one is the same. Against a dreary vibe or atmosphere, Helena Bonham Carter’s bright orange hair stands out. Another way is showing Angelique’s pale ass, white skin against a red dress. Burton uses colors to make them really stand out. However, overall, the film is still shot dark and dreary like Beetlejuice, Sleepy Hollow, or even A Nightmare Before Christmas.
The biggest problem with this movie is that it wasn’t engaging nor funny like the other Burton films. I’m pretty sure I was watching a dark comedy movie but without any of the comedy. The jokes just fell flat on its dead face. Maybe it was Depp’s delivery or something, but it didn’t seem funny at all. Honestly, the whole movie is Barnabas making some witty joke about the 70s, and it getting no laughs at all. Then I sat and said it was a romance movie. Two lovers pulled apart after years, but that even fell flat because the film spent most of the time with Barnabas trying to get his family business up and running and their battle against Angelique. It tried to be a drama film. When I mean, it tried its best, and then the film was like, meh, this drama stuff is too hard, we should bounce to another genre. It just seemed that the movie wanted to go in so many directions and just couldn’t decide what it wanted to be. It is quite hard to do a two-hour movie after a five-year running TV show.
I felt like the cast tried their best, but some of them could be done without, and others were more memorable. First, Johnny Depp as Barnabas Collins was okay. This is one of those performances that if you watch Depp and Burton together, there isn’t much more that needs to be done. Depp in this one was boring, far from funny, and really lacked that charm we are accustomed to seeing.
Now the woman of my dreams, Eva Green as Angelique “Angie” Bouchard, was fantastic as ever. Even this probably isn’t her best role, she is still as beautiful as ever and always brings that fierce acting, seductive charm, and accent. Oh, just seeing her smile was enough for me. When she looked into the camera with those beautiful eyes, you can put a spell on me any time.
For the rest of the cast, they were meh at best. Bella Heathcote as Victoria Winters was a bore. You want to talk about a lack of emotions. It was hard to watch because she was mellow tone throughout the film. Yet, she was the perfect person for Barnabas. Michelle Pfeiffer as Elizabeth Collins Stoddard was pretty good. She was sassy but strong and took charge of the family when needed. Helena Bonham Carter as Dr. Julia Hoffman was good, but even she is starting to have the same roles. Love the orange hair. Chloë Grace Moretz as Carolyn Stoddard just seemed to be the bitchy teenage girl who wanted to be rebellious and stay in her room.
Oh, Dark Shadows, how you shouldn’t have never been made into a movie and stayed a TV show from the 60s/70s. Burton, you can have your unique style be the main point, but if the film has no direction or story, why watch it. Depp, you were okay, but the real star is my love Eva Green. Love you, Ms. Green. Somethings go bump in the night, and this film doesn’t even make a cricket scared or cry or whatever.
