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Rating: 0 out of 5
The anime that got me into watching anime regularly was Dragon Ball Z. I remember coming home after school and hitting the T.V. for Toonami. Toonami was the shit back in the day with about five T.V. shows of anime. Where it was in my mind was Dragon Ball Z. I loved Dragon Ball Z for the action and the power-up scene. I don’t know about you, but I definitely sat in my room and tried to power up, hoping that my power level would be over 9000. One of the downsides to the anime is all the filler episodes, and when I was growing up, it took a year or two for new episodes to come out. The Frieza Saga was good, in my opinion. I thought the Cell Saga was terrific, and don’t get me started when Goku went Super Saiyan 3.
Now the hype of seeing a live-action film was high in my mind in 2009. I was graduating college and just remember that it should be one of the greatest films ever made for a person that loves anime. Well, that dream was ruined when I watched it and was like, “WHAT THE F**K IS THIS S**T!!” I don’t know what this movie was, but it sure as hell wasn’t Dragon Ball Z or even Dragon Ball. Did Hollywood even look at the source material? This has become a very common theme where Hollywood f**ks up an anime. It’s not that freakin hard to read the story and almost make it exactly like the manga. Instead, we are introduced to this crap that pisses anime fans off.
The story begins 2000 years before the start of the movie, where the demon Lord Piccolo came to Earth, wreaking havoc with his minion Ōzaru, the Great Ape. Okay, somewhat with you, but let’s start off with this is entirely wrong, but I will get to this in a second. Back to the story, seven mystics created a powerful enchantment called the Mafuba and used it to seal Piccolo away. In the present, Piccolo escapes from his prison and uses his ninja henchman, Mai, to search for the seven Dragonballs in order to have his one wish granted while killing everyone in his path. Once again, okay but completely wrong and off base, but we shall continue.
The film then jumps to the 18th birthday of martial artist and high school senior Son Goku. He is given the four-star Dragonball by his grandfather, Gohan. In school, Gohan is infatuated with his crush, Chi-Chi, and decides to go to a party hosted by her. While away, Piccolo destroys his home and kills his grandfather. Before his death, Gohan tells Goku to seek out the great martial arts master Master Muten Roshi, who holds another one of the Dragonballs. Goku then meets Bulma of the Capsule Corporation, who was studying the five-star Dragonball until it was stolen by Mai and has invented a locator for the Dragonballs. As they meet up with each other and other characters from the series, they soon discover the truth and all that other bulls**t that was spewed.
Okay, that is enough of the background or synopsis for this piece of crap movie. First, Ozaru is a great ape that Goku changes into with his tail when he sees the full moon, and he is not a minion of Piccolo. Goku did come to Earth and was found by Gohan. Goku was a terror until he hit his head. Secondly, this movie has no concept of the manga or even show. Goku met Bulma and the crew when he was like 12 years old. He wasn’t 18, and he sure as hell didn’t go to school. Goku is dumb as a rock, and he loves fighting. I don’t know why you had to put him in high school and a senior at that. Now, he meets Bulma, whose company is Capsule Corps, and she is searching for the Dragonballs, but she didn’t come in guns blazing. Also, if you based the timeline, Goku would be over 2000 years old. Where the fuck is his tail. This is starting to frustrate me so much. I can’t believe I wasted my time watching this film.
I could go on and on about this story, but there isn’t enough paper in the world to trash this lousy movie. Actually, I’m not done yet. W.T.F. was the whole Kamehameha scene? Goku learns it in seconds after watching Master Roshi doing it once. What was this entire power up and then jumping through the sky type movement? The hands go by the hips and then thrust out. You should be ashamed of this display.
Now let’s talk about some of these characters. I think I already touched upon Goku, who was straight trash in this film. Bulma was decent and somewhat reminded me of Bulma but still straight trash. Mai was not a henchman of Piccolo, and when did she become such a badass, or maybe I am confusing her with someone else. Chi-Chi was not this high school girl, and where was her big ass father at. Oh Lord Jesus, what was up with Yamcha. Yeah, he was a bandit, but what the hell was with his speech pattern and everything else. This brings me to the dialogue of this film. I wasn’t expecting Academy Award-type dialogue because this is an adaptation off an anime, but damn! Why even write anything? The one-liners were awful, and some people don’t even need to speak.
Dragonball is known for the fighting. The out of this world, powering up, exploding mountains fighting scenes. The fighting in this movie would make Bruce Lee shake his head in disappointment. Yea, I know you can move faster than light, but you have CGI, for god sake. Use it! Would it look campy? You bet your ass it would, but at least you would’ve tried to make it like the anime. We got like 5 minutes of fighting, and then it was like we are good. Hope y’all are good with this also.
I am done talking about this film. I can’t even bring myself to talk about any of the actors because they were straight-up garbage. The female cast was nice to look at, but they still failed this film. Actually, this film failed the anime world. Dear Hollywood, stop f***ing up excellent anime series. If you want to make an anime film, put some time and effort into it or let Japan do it because at least they go all out in their efforts whether they are sh**y or not. This film is definitely not over 9000. Watch the anime and be happy with that.
