0
0
Rating: 1 out of 5
The main statement in Dune is “He who controls the Spice, controls the universe!” What the line needs to be is, “He who watches this movie, the brain will turn to mush!” Just like the worms in this film, this film should’ve been buried far under the sand and never seen the light of day. If you are looking for a Star Wars rip off, then this is the film. Actually, it is pretty disrespectful to even put this film in the same breath as the original Star Wars series. This film was straight laughable, and they not only made a T.V. series, which was actually better than this film, but they are also taking the time to make a remake. Why waste time and effort to make another film. Is Hollywood that desperate for ideas? Actually, I know the answer to that question.
Dune begins in the distant future in the year 10191. The universe is controlled by the Padishah Emperor Shaddam IV. The most significant and most valuable substance in the known universe is the spice called mélange. The spice is said to have the power of extending life, expanding the consciousness and even to “fold space”; being able to travel to any distance without physically moving. The downside of the spice is that it is highly addictive. The spice can only be made on one planet in the known universe, the desert planet of Arrakis. Arrakis, also known as Dune, is highly coveted and protected at all costs as the production of the spice must come before anything else. On the planet of Arrakis, the natives wait for the day that a prophecy of a man will come and free Arrakis and its people. The Emperor, at the request of a guild, decides to send Duke Leto Atreides and his son Paul to Arrakis to increase the production of spice. In doing so, the Guild and Emperor chose to destroy the Atreides house as they are the ones who can bring an end to the known empire.
Where does one begin when trying to review a film that is so bad that it can be entertaining? Actually, my disappointment was exceeded as I tried to remember when I first saw this movie. I would say I was around ten years old, and what I saw then was completely different from what I saw now. I remember there were cartoon drawings to explain the beginning of the story, but this time, I got a very cute girl. Oh well, but what I remembered is not what I saw, and my brain should’ve stayed away.
Let’s start off with the special effects. W.T.F. were those special effects? I know Star Wars came out before, but damn, did the makers of this film even try to make decent special effects. When Paul and I think his mentor Gunrey was training, they deployed one of the worse body shields I have EVER seen. It pretty much an orange block type shield over the person. I mean, they looked like an orange Gumby or Lego blocks type thing. It was straight laughable at the special effects. Even when a building deployed its shield, it was just a dark orange square. You know what the best part of it all is??? The shields did jack shit against anything. In one scene, Paul’s best friend is fighting, and a dart-like weapon goes through the shield and straight into his head. I will say that the best special effects came from the actual worms. They looked decent and hell, they had lightning come from their mouths. Just writing this makes me laugh at the special effects.
Now for the story. I get it that whoever controls the spice controls the universe. So does the Emperor control it or that big ass, deteriorating dude in the large jar who has been hooked on spice? WHO IS IN CHARGE?!?! If you’re an emperor, how you going to take orders from a fish tank. You supposed to be in charge. That is why you have the title of Emperor, and yet, dude was like naw, I’m a puppet. So that is one big issue.
Where were some of the heated conflict? The save your drama for yo mama action. You would figure that the primary storyline would be between Baron Vladimir Harkonnen and the House Atreides because they hate each other. Yet, the conflict was like two scenes. In the beginning, when pretty much the Baron and his nephews annihilate the Atreides in one big swoop. Granted, they had help from a traitor but still. Surprisingly, the only two people to survive were Paul and his mother. When Paul fights back, we do see some action, but I wanted to see both of the Baron’s nephews get whipped up, not just one. This movie is a freakin’ headache altogether. Then the scenes where people’s eyes turn blue and those who grew up on Dune. Don’t get me started about when Paul becomes like a god. The dude had the biggest trip I ever have seen. It was truly a “What the hell is going on?” type scene. Honestly, what was up with all the inner dialogue. All the “what is this,” “how do I trust that,” blah blah blah action. Waste of time with this film.
I would say the characters were okay, but they were even a bore. First, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen is a very creepy, fat, somehow floating dude. You seen his face? Had these types of boils on them, and he sweated like a faucet. Then he had this weird boy fetish until he killed them. Quite strange. Then Sting’s character, Feyd-Rautha. Dude had the whole Mr. Heatmiser look going on. Shinny ass suit and spikey orange hair. I couldn’t help but laugh. Sean Young, your character Chani needed to learn how to smile once in a while. Had the resting b***h face on for the longest of time.
Now trying to think of a positive for this film would be mind-numbing. If it is one thing, I would go with the worms. Yes! The worms are the most exciting aspect of this whole movie. Why? They feel underground that someone is messing with their stuff, and they roll up and straight destroy it. Now how in the hell do you ride a worm-like it’s a horse. Poor worms. Just trying to live happily on their planet.
Overall, one can skip this Star Wars wannabe film. Will you get a few laughs out of it? You sure will but most of all you will get some headscratchers. I can’t believe that they are making a remake for this film. When will enough be enough? LEAVE THE SPICE ALONE!!
