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Rating: 0.25 out of 5
Recently, I was binge-watching Stranger Things again because I was pretty bored, and there was nothing I really wanted to watch. It was a straight-up background sound. As I watched that first episode, I saw the main cast playing Dungeons & Dragons. It made me laugh because the new Dungeon & Dragons film came out in the past few months, but it also reminded me of the AWFUL 2000 version of Dungeon & Dragons. I was flipping through YouTube, of all places, and saw that it had the 2000 version. I decided to watch it because it had been years, and I thought it couldn’t have been that bad. Well, I was wrong because it was just as awful, stupid, and downright mind-numbing as the years before. It got rid of one scene with zero CGI, but I don’t even know why I wasted my time watching this film. Also, Jeremy Irons, you are better than this film.
What is Dungeons & Dragons about? In this “amazing” film, the Empire of Izmer is ruled by the young Empress Savina. Empress Savina wants to bring equality and prosperity to all, but others think otherwise. The empire is divided between Mages, an elite magic-user group who rule over the lowly commoners. Behind the scenes and plotting against the empress is the Mage Profion, who wants to rule. The empress holds the golden scepter that allows her to control Golden Dragons. Profion has been trying to create a scepter that controls the Red Dragons. During a heated exchange, Profion’s silver tongue challenges the empress age and convinces the Council of Mages to believe Savina is unfit to hold it. Knowing that Profion wants power and the empire, Savine decides to find the legendary Rod of Savrille, the only scepter in existence that can control the Red Dragons. While trying to loot, the thieves, Ridley and Snails, find themselves in the middle of the conflict between the two forces. They are ordered to find the Rod before all hell breaks loose.
I really need to figure out where to start with how bad this film is. I could start with the plot or go with the acting or the CGI/special effects. There are endless possibilities for why you shouldn’t waste your time with this film. If anyone played Dungeons & Dragons in the past when people called you a nerd, people who think this film is any good are straight-up idiots. The film will make your mind go to mush in an instant. Honestly, people who make their own D&D stories are far better than this crap that was shown on screen. There was NO imagination put into this film.
The plot of this film was so bad that I didn’t know who wrote the screenplay. Whoever wrote it should be ashamed of themselves. It was all over the place and extremely bad. Fine, you are in a kingdom where one group overrules the other. Don’t know why the mages are so high and mighty, but okay. An evil mage wants to control the empire and, to do this, control the red dragons. You could’ve saved a bunch of time if you just took the golden scepter, or is there some type of spell on it? Never was explained. When Ridley and Snails come in, the movie enters this adventure mode because a young mage joins them, who seems absolutely useless. Let’s not even start with the dwarf and elf, who are both equally useless. The mission of going on to find the scepter would be cool, but it fell flat. One reason was that they have a captain of the guard following them, but then the group does this bullshit maze challenge that doesn’t have any effect on the film. The whole thing was terrible, and that ending. My god, it was bad with people turning into light.
The CGI/special effects were god-awful. I knew it would be a long movie when the dragon showed up in the first 5 minutes. It looked like a kid could’ve made it with a wonky-ass computer. Granted, it was 23 years ago, but damnit, Jurassic Park CGI and effects still hold up today. Did you go with the cheap version of CGI company? When the dragons fought, it looked strange and awful. I want to curl up in a ball and cry myself asleep from watching this shit.
I know actors try to give a great performance, and I don’t want to rip them but damn. Whoever gave them directions needs to be fired or take another directing class. Marlon Wayans, you should’ve never taken this role. Just playing the dumb black man with no sense and then died a useless death. Lee Arenberg mostly walked around and had a scowl on his face. The film’s star, Justin Whalin, tried but wholly shit; I could tell you just wanted a job. Hope you got paid. My most disappointed was Jeremy Irons. Mr. Scar and Academy Award winner, and this is the shit you made. You are better than this. You are fifty times better than this.
The 2000 version of Dungeons & Dragons needs to be buried deep in the ground of some mythical cave and never see the light again. It is so bad that no one should even dare watch it. You have a far better chance of playing Dungeons & Dragons and making your own story. Watch Stranger Things because it does a far better job of adding Dungeons & Dragons creatures than this shit.
