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Rating: 0.5 out of 5
Do you know what a Geostorm is? If you don’t, then you are not alone. I have no idea what it is, nor do I really care. The reason is that I recently watched Geostorm. I came out of that film more confused and frustrated than going into the movie. The film is absolutely terrible. The story is meh, but oh, that acting is beyond bad, and certain actors will be called out because they need to know that you were terrible. Some of the performances truly deserved a Razzie for this performance, but hey, maybe a Geostorm will pick this film up, blow it somewhere else, and never see the light of day again.
Here we go. What is Geostorm about? Glad you asked. In the wonderful year of 2019, apparently, the world has been experiencing many catastrophic natural disasters. Pretty much, Mother Earth is like, you human bitches have been messing me up, and I need to correct you. Wait, as humans, we think we can solve anything. With an international coalition, a system called “Dutch Boy” is made. Dutch Boy is a climate-controlling satellite system that controls the weather and ensures no more natural disasters happen. Dutch Boy runs smoothly and stops a typhoon in Shanghai. During a Senate sub-committee, Jack Lawson (Butler), the chief architect of the Dutch Boy system, is fired as he brought Dutch Boy online without permission from Mommy and Daddy. To add salt to the wound, his brother Max (Sturgess), Assistant Secretary of State, takes over. Jack is pissed and disowns his brother.
Are you with me so far? You have the setup. Let’s go a little deeper. Three years later, strange things happened during the US election year. The US is supposed to transfer control of Dutch Boy to a new country, but a team of UN officials comes across a frozen village in the middle of the Registan Desert. As suspicion arises, the US government decides to send one person to fix Dutch Boy. That one man is Jack Lawson. As Jack is reunited with his baby, everyone soon learns that Dutch Boy is part of a government conspiracy to weaponize it. The question is, who is trying to gain total control of Dutch Boy?
That is the whole story. Jack runs around the space station to figure out what is happening, and his brother Max is trying to uncover the conspiracy on Earth. The film attempts to be an epic disaster movie, and it becomes a disaster in itself. There is nothing about this film that is entertaining. First, things happen on the ship that is blah and laughable. First, when Jack rolls up on the ship, people get annoyed with him until they learn he was the one who made the ship. Then, it is a boring cat-and-mouse game trying to figure out who is sabotaging everything on the ship. First, the film throws in a malfunctioning satellite that almost crushes everyone. Then, when Jack and someone else are about to retrieve some door, Jack’s spacesuit malfunctions. A lot of freakin malfunctioning going on. The film tries to up the intensity but fails miserably. On Earth, Max runs around with his Secret Service girlfriend, trying to figure out why things are happening. He seems to have a meltdown in every scene, with either his friend dying or his holo-pen not working correctly and hiding information. In every scene that Max is in, you get really freakin annoyed with him because he is the pain in the ass, trying to be the know-it-all brother. The coded message scene was unnecessary or could’ve been done better.
Wait, this is a disaster film, and we should talk about the disasters. The disasters are the film’s best part, and that is saying a lot. The scene in Hong Kong was okay. One of the satellites makes the temperature go to hell mode and causes fire storms and multiple buildings to fall like dominoes. Wait! There is more! In Tokyo, basketball-sized hail descended upon the city. At the same time, a cold snap ravaged the city of Rio de Janeiro as everyone ran for their life, but the camera followed one girl. In Orlando, a lightning storm hits, blowing things up. It all becomes quite comical, but it was a little entertaining.
Let’s get to the good part or terrible part of the film. The freakin acting. What were people doing? Gerard Butler as Jake Lawson was okay. I’m at the point where he pretty much plays the same role every time. It seems like he is the same person in every movie. Dude is consistent. Jim Sturgess, I want you to know that you greatly annoyed me in this film. Your acting was terrible. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Every time you were on screen, I was annoyed by you. I want you to know that.
Please don’t waste your time watching Geostorm. You have far better things to do. Sit outside and watch the birds fly by if you live in a sunny area. If it is raining outside where you are, sit by a window and read because those activities will be far better than watching this film.
