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Rating: 0.5 out of 5
There are a ton of films out there about the Greek Gods. You can’t turn your head without looking and seeing one of them. You have Clash of the Titans with the classic line, “Release the Kraken!” You even have the pretty bad Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. I thought it was a good film before reading the book. Yes, I know. Shame on me. Please forgive me. Hell, let’s throw in the God of War game series. Kratos battling the gods is another way they are still at the forefront. Yep, Grek Gods rule the lands. Norse mythology is coming up thanks to Thor and the MCU. Now you know about Odin and Loki and the crew. Hell, even Kratos comes around to battle the Norse Gods.
Here is a question, can you name a movie with the Egyptian Gods? Can you name an Egyptian God? First, the Mummy Returns might be close, and some of the gods are Osiris, Set, and Ra. That’s all I got. Well, you are in luck, ladies, and gentlemen, because there is a movie with the Egyptian Gods. That movie is Gods of Egypt. Let me tell you that it was one of the worse movies I have ever seen. The Egyptian Gods should be beyond disappointed with their portrayal in this film.
Gods of Egypt is directed by Alex Proyas and changes many of the versions of the Egyptian Gods. In an alternative version of Egypt, the Gods live among the mortals. They are identifiable by towering over the humans and having gold as blood. That is one way to spot a god among humans. Wouldn’t you want to bleed them dry if their blood is gold? Okay, sorry for getting off the plot. The god Ra (Rush) split up Egypt between his two sons: the fertile part with the Nile is ruled by Osiris (Brown) and the desert by Set (Butler). As Osiris decides to step down and give his throne to his son Horus (Coster-Waldau). During the coronation, all hell breaks loose. Set kills his brother and whips Horus’ ass while taking his eyes. Homeboy also claims the throne for himself. Also, Set takes Horus’ girl. Dude straight up went gangsta-god mode on everyone. A year later, a mortal thief named Bek (Thwaites) and his lover Zaya (Eaton) become slaves of Set. Zaya, who is working for Set’s architect Urshu (Sewell), convinces Bek to steal the eyes of Horus from a well-protected pyramid designed by Urshu and give them back to Horus. Bek succeeds but only manages to retrieve one eye, and Zaya is killed in the process. Bek proposes to help Horus get his eye back if he can bring Zaya back from the underworld. They join forces to bring back Zaya and take down the evil god, Set.
Okay, let’s talk about the elephant in the room with this film. How do you have a movie with Egyptian Gods and literally have one black and maybe one Egyptian? You want to talk about white-washing to the fullest; this film does it without any shame. That is probably why no one watched this god-awful film because it paid no respect to culture and history. It seemed like Hollywood didn’t want to give any other race a chance.
You want to talk about a bore and snooze fest, then this movie is perfect. I have never been so bored in my life. It was an actual mess, and it’s either the bad acting or the bad special effects. Let’s talk about the god-awful story. How many times have we seen a story where two gods fight, and then a mortal helps one of the gods? Countless movies and TV shows, and this one is no different. Even though they are gods, they seemed to be so freakin stuck up. That stick is far up their ass. The story is supposed to be on the tale of Set against Horus, but it is mostly Set has declared war on the other gods and actually kills 95% of them. I want to talk more about the story, but it seems like it would be a colossal waste of time because it is a mess, and you absolutely learn nothing about the Egyptian Gods.
How about we continue with this mess of the film. The special effects were complete trash and didn’t even look that good. First off, the whole flying on the scarab was pretty strange to look at. Also, what was up with the tower? You built that bad boy in an entire year? Was everyone working overtime? Also, when Ra went fire mode, it just looked strange. Also, with Ra, when he was pulling the sun, it showed the world as flat. I would let that pass because of the time but did this time period even care about whether the world was flat or not.
Then we come upon the acting. Gerard Butler seemed to go back to his 300 role. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau was straight-up trash, and I don’t know what he was doing. Did you want to be strong or be a dick through the whole film? Geoffrey Rush, you should’ve left this movie at home and stuck to the Pirates film because you seemed like the absent father. I can go on about the others but let’s move on.
To the Egyptian Gods, please accept my apologies for this film and the disrespect it showed you, your culture, and history. Anyone who watches this movie will be completely disappointed. You are better off picking up a book and reading about the gods than watching this film.
