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Rating: 0.5 out of 5
You want to know how you make some of the worse movies ever made? Model it after a video game. Video game movies are some of the worst movies around. Some fall into the “So bad that they are good” category. Street Fighter with Jean Claude Van Damme falls into this category. It is one of those video game movies that is so bad it’s good. Now there are some “decent” video game movies like Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil, and Tomb Raider.
Hitman: Agent 47 is not one of those films that is a good video game movie. Hell, it is probably one of the worse ones around, and this is actually a reboot of the 2007 version. I have seen a fair bit of video game movies, and I have never been so bored in my life, and that is saying a lot. My expectations are quite low when it comes to video game movies because the game is always 50 times better, and I expect Hollywood to f**k it up. If you are looking for an awful, mind-numbing, dull ass characters and what the hell is going on situations, then look no further than Hitman: Agent 47.
Hitman: Agent 47 centers around the elite agent of the video game. The story starts with giving an overview of the agent program and how the assassin is genetically engineered from conception to be the perfect killing machine. He is known only by the last two digits on the barcode tattooed on the back of his neck. As the 47th version of himself, he is the culmination of decades of research and forty-six earlier Agent clones — endowing him with unprecedented strength, speed, stamina, and intelligence. The movie’s primary source is that his latest target is a mega-corporation that plans to unlock the secret of Agent 47’s past to create an army of killers whose powers surpass even his own. The only way to bring down the man in charge is to find the person who created the program and blah, blah, blah.
Okay, so where do we begin. If you ever played any of the “Hitman” games, you know it is about strategy and assassinating the targets with stealth, skill, and from the shadows. That is the whole game, you knock out a few people, take their clothes to blend in, and kill the target. This film right here has a different way that “Hitman” should be. The dude is like the Terminator along with John Wick but not as good as John Wick. Yes, Agent 47 is an extreme killing machine, but this dude is like Neo in the Matrix. He walks into a building, whips ass like it is nothing, and then walks out. Actually, now that I think about it, the dude is just a rip off version of the Terminator. Where have the original stories gone? I guess it is too boring to watch an assassin work in the shadows. Oh, wait! Wanted was that movie, and it was entertaining. How about the old film, The Professional? Leon worked in the shadows and did his job even with a CRAZY Gary Oldman! Once again, Oldman overacts in that film, but it is AMAZING!!!!!
I will say that the action scenes are somewhat the most entertaining aspect of this film. It tries, and I do mean it tries, to do that John Wick “Gun Fu” style. It is entertaining for like a few scenes, and then it gets stale really fast. When Agent 47 goes all out with brutality and violence, which is actually hilarious to watch. The film has the video game violence of it. You can tell with the lousy stunt doubles, awful dialogue, and insane tricks. I guess the best scenes were the sniper scene and the street scene. Homeboy walked out of his car and shot everyone with such ease.
I don’t know if much of the blame should be placed on Friend. He was so unemotional as Agent 47, it is almost laughable. He had the same tone and speech throughout, and when he made a joke, it was terrible. Even though he was the star of the film, the movie seemed to make him a secondary character. The primary character and the focus of the film is Ware’s character. She was this woman who is apparently far superior to Agent 47 with a six sense, but it doesn’t do anything with it and think it is a panic attack. Pretty much blah for both actors.
Why do I even bother watching video game movies? They are starting to be a waste of time and make absolutely NO sense. I don’t see how it is so far when you have plenty of source material. GET IT TOGETHER, HOLLYWOOD!!
