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Rating: 0 out of 5
Wow. Just wow! I have no words to say about House of the Dead. I used to play the video game in the arcade loooooooooong ago, and it was okay. I usually died within the first few levels. This movie right here is awful. Let me make this as clear as day. THIS F***KIN S**TY MOVIE IS ONE OF THE WORST MOVIES I HAVE EVER SEEN!!! If you take any time out of your day to sit down and watch this movie, you will literally go through the scene in Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark. The scene where the three dudes open up the ark and their faces melting away. Actually, let’s add in the movie Scanners and the scene where the head explodes. You should be ashamed of yourself for even watching this movie because I am ashamed of watching this movie. Why did I waste an hour and a half of my life on this s**t? Do you know what the saddest part of all this is?? I freakin own this movie. It’s sitting in my DVD case right now. I feel so ashamed. Oh, the horror!!!
How can I describe this film or the plot of this film in a somewhat respectable way? Since it is based on the video game franchise of the same name, the director stated that it is a prequel to the original 1996 game. I don’t know if that makes any difference or not, but okay. In one of the most boring monologues to start a film, the film begins with a group of friends taking a boat to attend a highly sexual and out of this world rave on an island located off the coast of Seattle named “Isla del Morte” (“Island of Death”). First off, I never knew there was an island called this off from Seattle, and why would you even go? Okay. So the friends consist of Simon (Leitao) and Greg (Sanderson), Alicia (Grauer), Karma (Okuma), and Greg’s girlfriend Cynthia (Salomaa). Things are calm as the five arrive at the dock but find they have missed the boat. A boat captain named Victor Kirk (Prochnow) and his first mate Salish (Clint Howard) offer them a ride on their boat. Kirk tells some story about the island’s history where a Spanish Catholic priest named Castillo Serrano was banished because dude was doing some crazy dark experiments. Catillo murdered the crew, sailed to the island where he enslaved the people, and then created some type of immortality serum and lives in some house where he continued to do experiments. When the group arrives at the rave, they see it is completely empty with no one in sight. As the friends wonder, they are soon attacked by monsters and zombies alike from all points on the island.
Okay, I am going to try my best not to rip this movie apart. I will be on my best behavior. So, for the good of this movie. The good parts of this whole movie were…………………………………………………………….
Now that we got that out of the way, this movie was terrible. Awful. Despicable. A tortuous hell on the mind. If that doesn’t keep you away, I don’t know what will. The whole getting up to the point of the zombies coming or even attacking was terrible. We had a couple who went skinny dipping. The girl had a really hot body, and she goes right in the water while her boyfriend stays on land drunk. Then as she swims naked, we get this terrible underwater shot of her, and it wanted to look like Jaws but came off so bad. Like, give me a break. Then the zombie are straight up TERRIBLE!! They looked and acted like they were the reject versions of other zombie movies. I didn’t even what they were doing, and they seemed to be a mess of a creature and the actors.
Do you know what the biggest tragedy of this whole film is? It’s the action scenes with I don’t know what god awful camera work and editing that was done. First, before that, when someone was attacked, we literally got a cut scene from the actual game. It was so bad that it made me laugh. Now for the action scenes or whatever you call them. We saw bullets begin fired and people jumping in the air to make it look FANCY! I’m talking about when the person jumps, the scene stops, and we get the camera going in a complete circle around the character before they killed the person. It was so laughable that a person with a camera and a laptop could do it.
Don’t even get me started on when someone died. Many died in some strange fashion. Either by rock people or zombies or something that sat in a tank. Well, when a person died, it was them posing in some type of fashion while the camera goes around them until a red screen comes up telling the audience that they were dead. It was a waste of time and didn’t need to be done.
As far as the acting goes. Let’s just say no one is winning an award for it and that even includes the Razzie. Everyone who acted in this film needs to look at themselves in the mirror and simply state, “I did it for the paycheck, and sorry for putting you through this.”
Please don’t watch this film. I am saving you the hour and a half of wasted life if you do. The zombies are terrible. The action scenes are laughable. What was the deal with putting the actual game in the movie because it made no sense? This is truly the House of the Dead. House of your brain dying slowly.
