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Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Oooooh! Here we are again with another version of King Arthur and his legendary sword, Excalibur. This time around, we have the one and only Guy Ritchie directing this film. Let me tell you, I wasn’t expecting anything like this. It’s one thing to take a story and add a few twists to it, but this time, Ritchie pretty much said, “Fuck It! I am going ALL out with some of the craziest shit you have seen, and it will make so much little sense that you won’t care because I am going to throw every crazy thing at you.” Bravo Ritchie, for at least taking this legendary tale and turning it into a W.T.F moment.
We should all know the tale of King Arthur, Excalibur, and everything else. Well, Ritchie was like, let’s just turn everything around and have it make little sense by displacing many of the characters. This time around, centuries ago in the Dark Ages, the evil mage Mordred (Knighton) sought great power through the use of dark magic. Yep, Mordred is a badass mage like his mom, but this time around, he is far, far, far from being Arthur’s son. Actually, dude was only in the film for like a hot minute. Why? Mordred and his army make their way to Camelot and begin laying waste to the kingdom of Britain as they ride on the backs of massive war elephants. You damn right! Gotta have them elephants. Ritchie probably picked that one up from 300. Well, only one man has the balls to stop Mordred, and that is King Uther Pendragon, played by Eric Bana. Yep, Bana once again leads an army like Hector in Troy. You need someone to lead an army and have a Hulk; you call on Bana. Uther leads his army against Mordred’s forces. Actually, homeboy gets on his horse, rides through Mordred’s army like they weren’t there, jumps into Mordred’s stronghold, and sees Mordred was chilling with his homies. Uther takes out Excalibur and destroys Mordred and all his homies with one of the mightiest swings ever.
Cool, threat done, and all the happiness can return to Britain and the end of the movie. Not likely, Uther’s brother Vortigern (Law) leads a coup against Uther and the kingdom. Homeboy straight-up takes his wife Elsa (McGrath) underground to a pit where he kills Elsa and spills her blood to achieve a stronger form looking like a demonic demon and warrior from a World of Warcraft game. Uther manages to get his wife Igraine (Delevignge) and young son Arthur out of the castle as Vortigern’s minions storm the castle. Dude kills his brother and his wife and doesn’t notice Arthur on a small boat floating away. While Vortigern rules like a heavy metal king, Arthur is raised in a brothel and grows up while learning how to fight, steal, and everything else until he is a man (Hunnam) ruling the streets. His life changes when a sword appears in a stone, and he pulls it out.
I have no idea what was going on with this story. If you wanted to make King Arthur old and go through some stuff, that’s cool, but you put him in a brothel and had him steal and all of that. Cool, I’m with you. When you replaced Merlin with an apprentice whose eyes turn black and can control animals, okay, we are getting way out there but okay. When you go to some island with big ass snake who comes along and fucks shit up, you are really starting to lose me right there. Also, where in the story do the freaky ass octopus-looking sirens come into play? Never heard that in any of the tales. That is where Ritchie started to lose this freakin pathetic film. When you start throwing in shit that makes no earthly sense, then it becomes strange. I can understand if you want to throw in the magical element, but there is a limit, and this film went WAY over that limit. It didn’t hop over the limit; it freakin long jumped over the limit.
What was the deal with Excalibur? You want to talk about the sword of power. This freakin sword had some POWER behind it. When Arthur placed two hands on it, that sword decimated an entire block of houses. Also, the ENTIRE back story of the sword in the stone was freakin out there. Your dad threw up the sword and became the stone in which it was stuck in. Really? That is what we went with. One of the craziest things I saw for a King Arthur film. That brings me to Arthur’s punk ass. The dude was all big and bad, but he was a little punk ass bitch once he got the sword. He spent most of the time in the film complaining about not being able to handle the sword’s power and didn’t want to do it and all of that mess.
Okay, that is enough of that. Let’s talk about how strange this film is or my issues. What was up with all this crazy and wonky CGI or special effects? It was all over the place. The whole squid girl scene was out there. The entire demon warrior and Arthur fighting in some other dimension was way off and looked funny. Honestly, it was all awful and just made this movie suck even more.
I don’t even want to talk about the cast because some were okay, and others were meh, blah, or whatever you want to say. I like a lot of the actors in this film. They are all well known, but the movie made them look pointless or over the top.
There are times when a film is made, and it should stay buried in a tomb. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is one of those films that should’ve stayed in the tomb of King Arthur, or where is the burial place of Arthur? Avalon, that is the name. Actually, even Avalon wouldn’t want this film. When will the world make a decent King Arthur film? The world may never know.
