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Rating: 0.25 out of 5
Growing up, my family had an Ouija board. Nothing really happened, as we played around with it a few times and threw it away or put it in a closet, never to be seen again. If you don’t know what an Ouija is, it is a spirit board that is supposed to help you communicate with spirits. It has the alphabet, numbers 0-9, and the words “yes” or “no.” You communicate with a movable indicator to spell out messages during a séance. People place their fingertips in the indicator as a question to a spirit, and the spirit is supposed to spell out stuff. The board has been criticized, and I personally have little faith in it. Unless the spirit knows where some buried treasure is, please leave me alone because I have a ton of work and bills to pay.
This brings me to the film Ouija, which came out in 2014. I was shocked to see this film because I had the biggest crush on Olivia Cooke because she was in my guilty pleasure show at the time, Bates Motel. I still have a crush on you, Cooke. For some odd reason, I didn’t make it to the movie theater to watch it. I was probably too broke then to even attempt to see it. Whatever the reason, I am so happy that I didn’t spend my hard-earned money to watch this film because it was absolutely TERRIBLE. The filmmakers and screenwriters should’ve used their Ouija to make a great film.
What is this film about? Let me pull out my own Ouija and communicate with the spirits to get you an outline. The film starts with young Laine Morris & Debbie Galardi playing with an Ouija board, only to be interrupted by Laine’s sister. The film jumps to the present with Laine (Cooke) and Debbie (Hennig) discussing college. Debbie is at home playing with the board and throws it into the fire as a chill hits her spine. Debbie calls Laine but tells her she is alright. When Debbie comes back, the board miraculously appears on her bed. She picks up the planchette and sees something. Debbie becomes possessed and, with Christmas lights, hangs herself. The next day, Laine is straight up good as she is hanging out with her boyfriend Trevor at a diner, where they meet up with their friend Isabelle. She becomes annoyed when she receives a text to come home immediately. When homegirl arrives, it looks like a straight-up intervention until her family tells her that Debbie is dead. Laine manages to hold it together through Debbie’s funeral, and Debbie’s mother asks her if Laine can watch the house for them while they’re away and need some time to grieve. Totally understandable.
As Laine is in the house, she finds Debbie’s Ouija board & decides to gather Sarah, Trevor, Isabelle, & Debbie’s boyfriend Pete to hold a seance with the board. This is where the film goes to absolute shit. They make contact with a spirit they believe is Debbie, as the spirit identifies itself as D, and these fools just roll with it. Didn’t do a background check or see some ID? How about spending some time asking questions that only that person might know. Did these teenage fools do this? HELLLLLLLLLL NO! They just rolled with it. Stupid ass mistake right there.
Like many horror films, we have to have strange things happening that bring the friends back. One, Pete has his head thrown into a mirror. Do you know what draws the friends back to use the Ouija board? They receive the message, “Hi friend,” in various places. “Hi friend,” is what brings you back? Really? You know how many texts I sent like that, and I got “what’s good?” When the friends get back together, they learn that they are not talking to Debbie but someone named DZ. Do you know what Laine does? You can probably guess? Laine looks through the planchette and sees a young girl with her mouth stitched closed. The girl points and warns to run from her mother, whom Laine also sees through the planchette.
The group decides it best to roll out but soon realizes a malicious spirit is following them. This is when the film tries once again to be scary but fails so miserably. The spirit follows Isabelle home, does a quick possession, and boom, she is dead in her bathroom. Tears flow, and the group starts regretting their decision as usual, but they decide to research Debbie’s house and find that a young girl was placed in a mental institution after killing her mother, who she claims killed her sister, Doris. Laine rolls up to the mental hospital and meets Paulina Zander, played by the iconic Lin Shaye. Lin, you love you some horror films. You bounced from Insidious to this. You must love you some demons. Paulina tells her some sad story about Doris and why her mouth was stitched up and to find the real body to unstitch it. I don’t know about you, but it all sounds fishy to me. Once you go down the stupidity of your decisions, you might as well keep it going.
Well, Laine and Pete find the body of Doris and unstitched her mouth. We see Doris use her mouth like the Black Canary and blow her mother to pieces. Well, you know what happens? Oh yes, the BIGGEST twist in history!! Doris is actually an evil spirit and loves killing. What a freakin shocker. Shit happens when Laine confronts Paulina, who becomes sadistic because her sister is free. More friends die, and with the help of Debbie, who comes back and helps defeat Doris, and at the end. That is the film with minimal scares. There are so few scares that a bug flying across your face unexpectedly would scare you more than anything else. Do you know how the film ends? The planchette appears again. Not the board, just the planchette.
As far as the acting goes, let’s just say that many of the cast should go back to acting school, or maybe that is a little harsh. Maybe it’s not them, but how the film was made because it was terrible. With no sense of direction and little frights, this felt more like a B or even C-type movie than a high-quality film. An A-lister movie star couldn’t help this film, and the main star, Cooke, could only do so much. I give it to Cooke; add this film to your resume and build those movie credits. Actually, everyone should do that because it shows you did some acting. Shay was Shay. She knows how to bring that horror-type vibe to any film. She is not a scream queen for nothing.
Ouija is that film you can definitely skip. It is not worth the time, effort, or energy to watch. The horrors are so bad that a little kid trying to sneak up on you and pop out of nowhere would scare you more than this film. Hell, since it is almost Halloween, David S. Pumpkins would make you more scared than this shit. Please skip this film and find another movie to watch in the dead of night.
