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Rating: 0.5 out of 5
Oh, Pain & Gain, one of the worse movies I have ever watched. I first saw Pain & Gain in the movie theater on opening weekend. As I watched the film, I thought it was the most idiotic, dumbest, and head-scratching film I have ever seen. The running joke with my mom was years was that whenever I watched an awful movie, I would compare it with Pain & Gain. Well, fast forward almost a decade later, and I was watching this tv show called the 1990s: The Deadliest Decade. Some of the stories were interesting until I started watching episode 6. As I watched, it seemed to have some similarities to Pain & Gain. I almost dismissed the episode until, at the end, it stated that Pain & Gain was made after this. I threw up my hand in utter disgust. Then something “magical” happened. Pain & Gain appeared on Hulu, and I was like, maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I’m older now, and maybe my young mind just saw things differently. So, I decided to give Pain & Gain another chance.
You know what, I can honestly say that Pain & Gain is still one of the worse movies I have ever seen. I freakin hate this movie, and every fiber in my body doesn’t ever want to watch this film again. First, I can’t BELIEVE that this film is based on a true story. Can you believe that three fools actually did this? It is based on the activities of the Sun Gym gang. Daniel Lugo (Wahlberg), a Miami bodybuilder, is a certified meathead and idiot. Like almost everyone in the United States, he wants to achieve the American Dream. He gets convicted earlier on for fraud, does his time, and works as a gym manager that he transformed. He would like the fancy cars, a big house, and a beautiful wife on his arm. Dude thinks he is a loser. While at the gym, he becomes friends with trainer and bodybuilder Adrian Doorbal (Mackie), who only wants to get swole and be as big as possible. Well, dude turns to steroids to achieve his dream, but his dick stops working from the side effects. One day, fresh out of prison and newly saved Christian bodybuilder Paul Doyle (Johnson) rolls up. The Rock is freakin massive in this film. Lugo gets and trains a new client, Victor Kershaw (Shalhoub), who is a complete ass but rich as hell. While listening to a motivational speaker, Lugo gets the bright idea to kidnap and torture Kershaw until he signs over all his assets to him. Lugo recruits both Adrian and Paul to complete the job. After that, it begins a wild journey into one of the craziest things I ever saw and read about.
I know this is a movie, and most of it is made for entertainment purposes, but damn, this was crazy. I want to live the American Dream, and I get where Lugo is coming from. I want to be rich and have a nice home. Living in Miami can make one have a sense of comparing your life to others. It’s freakin Miami. The difference is that I’m not kidnapping and torturing anyone to get it. That was the craziest thing, who kidnaps someone in ninja outfits and then tortures them for days. The most insane part of all of this is the “killing” scene of Victor. These fools can’t even kill anyone properly. How do you get a guy drunk and have him crash into a wall but leave his seatbelt on? On top of that, you run over him, and he still lives. Shit made no sense, and then when dude tells the cops, they don’t believe him because the story is just so insane and stupid.
Then the movie goes to these three fools living it up on Victor’s money and life while Victor hires a private investigator played by the one and only Ed Harris. Things get weird as the crew decides to do another job, and the reason is that most of them have spent their share. The Rock’s character goes insane because he loves that cocaine so much that he tries to rob a freakin Brink’s truck. This scene is so insane that dude has cocaine all over his face, and then he manages to steal a money bag only for it to pop a dye bomb in his face. What does dude do? Hightails it out and gets his toe shot off but still manages to escape. It was crazy.
Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, and Anthony Mackie looked the parts for this film. The Rock once again got HUGE, and Marky Mark was made for this awful film. They were entertaining in this film and acted like true meatheads that drink that protein shakes.
I don’t want to spend too much time reviewing Pain & Gain. I still think it is an awful movie with insane violence, sex that makes no sense, and the awful thought that this was actually a true story. I would say Michael Bay should be ashamed of himself, but if you know any of Bay movies, then you know he’s not. Pain & Gain. It’s ALL PAIN & NO GAIN!!!
