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Rating: 1 out of 5
When you think getting into the water couldn’t be any more dangerous, here comes Shark Night. A film that I had very, very little hope for, and yes, it met my expectations in meeting how lowly I thought about this film. If having piranhas in a lake wasn’t good enough from Piranha 3D and having muthasuckin snakes on a muthasuckin plane, then how about sharks in a lake in Louisiana. Yep, you read that correctly. Sharks in a lake in Louisiana and not just any sharks, sharks like hammerheads, and anything else you can find in the depths of the ocean that is a shark. Is the film laughable? You bet your sweet ass it is. Hey, this is a great shark week movie.
So how does a film like Shark Night actually start??? Just like Jaws in away. Very original thought right there. A young and beautiful blonde woman is walking in the water. She feels something at her feet when her boyfriend lifts her up on his shoulders. They do what most shark movies do, they make out and then her boyfriend ups and leaves to go get food after he throws her top further in the water. She swims to get her top and like the iconic Jaws first scene, but this one was way less iconic and more boring; she gets jerked under the water, and the water turns red as her boyfriend is clueless.
Now the film suddenly changes to seven Tulane University undergraduates, Sara, Nick, Beth, Malik, Maya, Blake and Gordon drive to Sara’s family vacation home on a secluded private lake near Lake Pontchartrain). Once again, what could go wrong at a lake house near a lake? Well, for starters, Sara and her friends encounter Sara’s ex-boyfriend Dennis and his friend, Red. Dennis and Red are true rednecks who throw racial insults. The friends leave and get into a speedboat. Sara drives recklessly as she attracts the attention of Sheriff Sabin. Sara and the sheriff are good friends and are happy to see each other after three years.
Are you bored yet because things are about to get CRAZY and not in a horror way but a stupidity way? After some partying and drinking, Nick, Blake, Malik, and Maya go water-skiing. While the four do their thing, a shark follows them and attacks Malik and bites off his arm. This is when the friends notice that shit just got real. This is where I will tell you that this movie should be skipped but also why it is so funny to watch. I know it sounds contradictory, but hear me out.
During the movie, we find out why there are sharks in the lake. We don’t know how many sharks are in the lake, but we found out the reason why there are sharks in the lake. That reason we found out is??????
Dennis and Red have been inspired by the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week and Faces of Death videos to film and make available to thrill-seekers on the Internet of live footage of people being eaten by sharks. Yep, you read that right. We can officially blame this on Shark Week. The sad part is that I can actually see this become an actual thing, and people would tune in to watch it.
Now I want to talk about this one scene. How the hell does Malik, with one arm I might add, walk into the lake with one arm and battles a big ass hammerhead shark with a spear that looked like it was straight out of the motherland of Africa. The shark attacks, and he fights it by punching it with one arm and then spears it through the head. Now, if that wasn’t a laughable scene, I don’t know what is. The dude fought a shark with one arm.
Now all the shark attacks were actually pretty wild and hilarious. One dude was in a tree, and the shark leaped out of the water and plucked his ass out of the tree like an orange. Not Sam level in Deep Blue Sea, but it was a funny way to go. Now I have never seen a cookie-cutter shark, but they attacked and ate one girl like she was an olive off a stick. Now the others were just standard getting eaten by a shark type stuff.
Looking back on this film, it is funny what people will come up with to get famous. No need to watch this movie. I am going to give you a far better shark movie to watch. That movie is Sharknado. You can’t go wrong with some Sharknado.
