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Since I am a male, I have no idea what it means to be in a sorority. I don’t even know what it means to be in a fraternity. I can guess some of the main cores revolves around sisterhood and being there for each other and all the other beneficial things that come along with being in a sorority. After watching Sorority Row, I don’t know what’s worse, having girls mess up literally everything over a prank or watching this dumb-ass horror movie.
So, what is Sorority Row about if you actually care to watch this movie? Well, during a party at I guess the wild and crazy Theta-Pi sorority house, Theta-Pi sister, Megan (Patridge), plays a prank with her unstable boyfriend Garrett, simulating an OD after using pills. Straight up stoopid but whatever. Her sorority sisters Cassidy (Evigan), Jessica (Pipes), Ellie (Willis), Claire (Chung), and Chugs (Harshman) are in on the prank and push it to its limits when they, for some stoopid reason, suggest dumping her “body” in a lake. Garrett loses his mind, takes a tire iron, and stabs Megan through her chest, accidentally killing her. In the heat of panic, Cassidy wants to call the police, but her stoopid sisters decide to dispose of the body in a shaft and keep it secret under the leadership of Jessica that blackmails Cassidy. Eight months later, at the graduation party for the girls, the sisters receive a creepy message with the picture of the tire iron. As the panic sets in, they soon start falling to a deadly stalker killing each one who killed Megan along with the appearance of Megan’s little sister.
This film was a complete and utter MESS. It was so bad that anyone who watches it might laugh or cringe at the plot or characters. Why wouldn’t you call the police when someone is killed? Actually, why didn’t you dump your cheating boyfriend? Stoopid people do stoopid things, and every one of these girls was stoopid. The beginning makes you strap in for a dumb-ass ride that no horror fan should go on.
Now for the actual horror element. What was the freakin deal with the killing? It was so dull and outrageous that I was like, “Damn! I guess you can find new ways to use a tire iron. First, the killer was dressed in robes that looked straight up Sith Lord material. Then they threw that makeshift tire iron with blades attached to it like a skilled ninja. You know they had to practice throwing that thing around. Yet, each death was meh. Chugs has a bottle stuffed down her throat while her therapist gets a tire iron to the chest. Joanna, who overheard their conversation and had nothing to do with the actual murder, is killed naked in the bathroom. I can go on with how people die, but it is a waste of time. Claire gets electrocuted, and thank God Jess dies.
I would talk about the characters, but the film doesn’t give them much development to make you care about any of them. Jess is the annoying leader that thinks she is beyond brilliant but makes awful decisions because she is trying to marry a son of a Vice President candidate. Ellie is the unhinge one that seems to always be screaming at something. Cassidy is the only one that I find okay because she leaves the group once things happen. She should’ve called the police, but she is the star of the movie. The only person that is halfway decent is Carrie Fisher as Mrs. Crenshaw. She is like the sorority house mother, and when her girls are being killed, she pulls out a shotgun and starts shooting at the hooded figure while laying down this cringy but iconic quote: “Don’t think I’m afraid of you. I run a house with 50 crazy bitches.”
Honestly, don’t waste your time on this film. I’m sorry that I watched this film. The characters are beyond annoying and boring, and the whole plot is blah. I honestly have nothing else to say about this. I shook my head for over 90% of the movie and wanted to turn it off. Maybe they make a horror movie just as bad called fraternity row.
