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Rating: 1 out of 5
Sometimes a movie comes along that makes little sense nor see the light of day. Let me ask you this? What do you get when you cross an Arab Muslim traveler with Viking warriors, the tale of Beowulf but not quite the actual story, along with people that dress like bears and think they are bears? You get a crap of a movie called the 13th Warrior. Yep, a film that makes very little sense and will leave you even dumber than ever because someone thought combining multiple stories would be a great idea.
Technically, it’s a historical fiction film based on Michael Crichton’s 1976 novel Eaters of the Dead, which I heard wasn’t that great or exciting. The book is a loose retelling of the tale of Beowulf combined with Ahmad ibn Fadlan’s historical account of the Volga Vikings. In AD 922, Arab Ahmad Ibn Fadlan (Banderas) becomes an emissary because he fell in love with a noble’s wife. The noble finding out gets him exiled to him becoming an “ambassador” to the Volga Bulgars. During the journey, his caravan is attacked but is saved by the appearance of Norsemen. Taking refuge with the Norsemen, Ahmad finds that communication will be stressed as he doesn’t speak Latin. During a celebration being held by the Norsemen, Ahmad learns that he is actually attending a deceased king’s funeral. Ahmad is introduced to one of the king’s sons, Buliwyf. During the funeral, Ahmad witnesses, Buliwyf kills his brother in self-defense, which establishes Buliwyf as heir apparent.
The next day, a young prince named Wulfgar enters the camp and requests Buliwyf’s aid. Wulfgar’s father’s kingdom is under attack from an ancient evil so frightening that even the bravest warriors dare not name it. A spirit woman gives guidance and states that the mission will be successful if thirteen warriors face this danger — but that the thirteenth must not be a Norseman. Seeing that he is not a Norseman, Ahmad is recruited against his will to face an evil that he would never expect.
Ok, I don’t even know where to start with this whole movie. I guess someone’s journey to a foreign land isn’t enough, but you have to add another tale to make it interesting. Well, you failed miserably in making this film. I understand going off to a land that needs help. Most movies are like that, but what the hell does this even have to do with Beowulf rather than the dude having his name. Beowulf’s main point is him fighting the monster Grendel, Grendel’s mother, and finally a dragon. Straight and to the point. In this film, they fight a massive army called “Wendol,” fiends who come with the mist to kill and take human heads. Wow! Wendol rhymes with Grendel. A very original name and somewhat like the poem. The Wendol are led by the “Mother of the Wendol.” Well, who are the Wendol? Wait for it! They are human cannibals clothed to look like bears, who live like bears and think of themselves as bears. These dudes straight up live in the mountain and just eat humans and everything. Oh, and the final battle is Buliwyf killing the main dude, who I guess is a dragon, but no one really cares.
Let me tell you this. This movie shouldn’t have been called the 13th Warrior. It should’ve been called “Who is going to live?” because almost every warrior dies in this film. I would say at the end of it, only two lived. I thought these were some badass warriors, and they were, but damn, did the drop pretty quickly. Most died when they were fighting, and their bodies were taken to get gnawed on by them bear-like humans.
In the beginning, most of the movie revolved around Ahmad trying to get along with the Norsemen. The major scene is Ahmad sitting by the fire and just listening to the Norsemen. They mock his perceived physical weakness and his small Arabian horse. Ahmad turns the table on them when he actually learns their language from listening and shows that his horse is almost better. The one area that gets his respect with Buliwyf is his ability to write. Buliwyf is a polyglot and asks Ahmad to teach him how to write in Arabic. This single act makes the two have goodwill towards one another and recognizes Ahmad’s analytic nature as an asset to their quest.
Now, as far the acting goes, it was so bad. Banderas seemed either angry and arguing, complaining about something, or questioning every little detail. Also, we couldn’t find someone of that region to be cast as Ahmad. Actually, they probably read the script and were like, this is the stupidest film ever. The other actors were okay. There was one that was okay, but I don’t even have the heart nor time to give people some decent credit.
If you want to watch, go right ahead. I don’t even you why someone would combine two tales together, but hey, Hollywood was looking for something to make. The story is awful, and the acting is laughable in a serious situation. Next time someone asks you to be the 13th warrior, you might want to skip out of it.
