Rating: 1.5 out of 5
The Great Wall of China is one of the World’s Seven Wonders. It took over two millennia to build the wall. Think about that. It took around 2000 years to complete this entire project. Here is what I learned from several sources on the famous structure. It was built across the northern borders of ancient China to protect against various groups. The wall wasn’t built at one time but through history. It started in the 7th century BC, and sections were built first by the order of the first emperor of China, Qin Shi Huang. As the centuries passed, more sections were added to the wall. The Ming dynasty was like, let’s add some major sections because shit has been getting wild. At the end of completion, the wall spans 13,170.70 miles. How long would that take to walk? Let’s take this into context. Going across the United States from the East to the West Coast is 2800 miles. You can do FIVE United States trips. That is insane.
Back in 2016, a monster film called The Great Wall was released. I really wanted to see it in the theaters, but something happened where I didn’t. It started with Matt Damon, and it looked great. Then, one day, poof, it was gone, and I completely forgot about it. Years later, it dropped on Hulu, and I was excited to watch it. Let’s say the excitement of this film quickly disappeared within the first fifteen minutes of watching. The movie is pretty bad. It does have some nice effects, but damn, was it a pain to watch. Once again, the white savior complex reared its ugly head as a white man came to save the day.
The film is set during the Song dynasty during the reign of the Renzong Emperor. A few miles north of the mighty Great Wall, a mercenary group of about twenty men is looking for black powder, aka gunpowder. The group is being pursued by bandits, who have already killed many of the group in their pursuit. William (Damon) and Tovar (Pascal) make it to a cave where they are attacked by a monster, but Tovar is like the hell to this and manages to cut the hand off the monster. Rather than leaving the arm, they decided to take it with them because who sees monsters anywhere. While riding, the pair stumble upon the Great Wall and are taken prisoner by a secret military sect called Nameless Order, which is led by General Shao (Hanyu) and Strategist Wang (Lau).
I have to admit right here that Nameless Order is the shit in this film. What I love about this military army is that each division has a specific color and specialty and is represented by a specific animal. The melee specialist is the Bear Troop, the acrobatic specialist is the Crane Troop, the archer specialist is the Eagle Troop, the siege engine specialist is the Tiger Troop and the horse-mounted is the Deer Troop. The film states that every 60 years, their sole purpose is to repel a horde of weird-looking alien dogs. William and Travor are about to be put to death when they show the arm, and General Shao orders the defense of the wall.
Now, that opening battle was intense and thrilling because I had no idea what was going on. It seemed like everyone was dying on both sides. Someone from the Crane Troop jumps down and then gets plucked like a grape. The alien dogs get blown up, and it is pure chaos. William and Tovar are about to be attacked while tied up when they are freed. William, in some dramatic arrow shot, saves some from attacking monsters. William and Tovar go on a Halo killing spree and earn the respect of General Shao and Commander Lin (Tian), leader of the Crane Troop. Oh, and the pair meet Sir Ballard (Dafoe), a European who looked like he hadn’t washed in days and had been a prisoner for 25 years.
After the first battle, things go way downhill from this point. A side story is introduced with Willaim, Tovar, and Ballard planning to steal the black powder and bounce. We also learn what really is happening. The monsters are called Taoties, and they came to Earth in a green meteor that crashed and landed on Gouwu Mountain two thousand years ago. They were sent to Earth to punish the emperor for abusing his authority, and the gods were like, nope, you can’t do that. My issue is that the creatures attack every 60 years. Why every 60 years? Do they need to reproduce? Is something happening? It seems like the humans seem to always hold them off. Also, how long do they attack for? Is it a week? I have so many questions, and the film doesn’t give any of them. The only thing is that there is a queen who controls them.
Rather than fighting them at the wall, things get stupider as the alien beast digs a hole at the base of the Great Wall, and the queen leads a hoard to the capital. Did they just think of this? After 2000 years, the alien just thought of this? Also, is this the same queen, or does it switch every 60 years. The alien queen and her crew make it to the capital and ravage the kingdom and castle. How does William get to the capital? Dude gets on some hot-air ballon and rides that air current.
The final battle, if you want to call it that, tries to be intense but fails miserably. It was a nice arrow shot, but I could’ve done without the whole thing. As I watched the whole film, it made me not want to see this film. I know you wanted to add some lore and excitement to the Great Wall, but you could’ve used humans and an invading army, but maybe that would’ve been too boring.
I don’t want to bash on this film but there was NOTHING great about this film. Well, the first battle and looking at those outfits, but besides that, you can keep it moving from this film. All my hopes were dashed in fifteen minutes, and the tears that I shed will never come back. When I visit China and see the Great Wall, maybe it will be far more entertaining than this film. A bird could fly by, and it would be 100 times more interesting than this film.