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Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Recently, I watched The Legend of Tarzan, and it brought back some memories while also making me realize that maybe Tarzan doesn’t need to swing through the jungle anymore. Growing up, I used to watch those old-school Tarzan movies. I’m talking about the ones starring Johnny Weissmuller. Back in the day, many said Weissmuller was the most natural-looking Tarzan, as he was an Olympic swimmer who set world records by winning five gold medals in the Olympics. When he made his jump to films, he was cast as Tarzan and starred in Tarzan the Ape Man (1932). He went on to become the most famous and longest-lasting screen, Tarzan, with a total of 12 films under his belt. There were others that all seemed to suck ass. Disney came along in 1999 and made a great cartoon film. Even Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes, was pretty good.
If you need a quick rundown on who Tarzan was or/is, he is a fictional character that was raised by the jungle. He was born John Clayton II to Lord Clayton, the heir to the 6th Earl of Greystoke, and his with Alice. When the pair was shipwrecked on the Congolese coast, John builds a freakin treehouse for them to live in. Depending on the version, some apes roll up and kill John and Alice. Kala, a female ape, finds little John and takes him as her own. As he grows up in the jungle, he learns how to swing from trees and live as an ape. Around the age of 12, he discovers the treehouse and realizes he is not like the others. He meets Jane at 18 and then goes off to England to learn English, but he can’t let the jungle leave him.
Here we are with the latest addition to the Tarzan franchise, The Legend of Tarzan, starring Alexander Skarsgård as the Lord of the Apes with Samuel L. Jackson, Margot Robbie, Djimon Hounsou, Jim Broadbent, and Christoph Waltz. I want to say that sometimes, it is best not to make a movie. The film is meh at best. That is giving this film a pretty high remark. The film begins with some background text about the Berlin Conference of 1884–1885 and how King Leopold II of Belgium laid claim to the Congo Basin. Seems about right with slavery, but you have to throw in diamonds because the world has raped Africa of that, also.
Leopold sends his envoy Leon Rom, played by the great and talented Christoph Waltz, who carries a rosary that he uses as a weapon by wrapping it around people’s necks and choking them, but with the goal of finding diamonds. It’s an odd choice of a weapon, but whatever works for you. Leopold’s crew is massacred in the African jungle by spear-throwing warriors led by Chief Mbonga (Hounsou), who has a deep hatred of Tarzan. Mbonga makes a deal to Leopold that he will give him all the diamonds he wants in exchange for Tarzan.
Still with me? Well, the film jumps to England, where Tarzan is a civilized and respectable Lord Greystoke living in his manor with his wife Jane, played by the BEAUTIFUL Margot Robbie. Tarzan is a celebrity as he gained popularity for his tales. Tarzan is invited to see the progress in Congo but declines as he states he has no interest. When he is about to roll out, he is moved by diplomat and agent George Washington Williams, played by none other than the great Samuel L. Jackson. Who can say no to Sam? When he gives you that look and drops an F-bomb, you might as well go. Williams wants to go with Tarzan to prove that illegal slave trading is happening. When Tarzan returns home, he learns that his wife Jane is also tagging along. Tarzan is annoyed, but Jane lays down the law, much to his annoyance.
Here is where the major issues of this film start to set in. First, the racial tension was high, but the film really never voiced it out loud. First, when Tarzan and Williams roll up to a tribe. Williams is treated like a lower class because he is not a true African. I can understand with that perm he had. A black man can’t even be treated well in Africa. Yet, Williams was the one always playing peacemaker and doing the whole, “Let’s get along and fight the German dude.” The German dude rolls up in the tribe, shoots Tarzan, and takes several people as slaves and his woman.
This is when Tarzan goes into full beast mode. He seems to gain the strength of 100 men as dude throws people through walls, swings on vines like Spider-man and run at the speed of a cheetah. Dude seems to be unstoppable. In one scene, he decimates an entire train of men who have guns. Yet, for all his powers, dude gets his ass handed to him by his Silverback gorilla brother, Akut. The scene tries to have a comedic approach by talking about sucking gorilla balls. It was utterly unwanted and unneeded.
Another issue with this film is what happened with Jane. Jane was a badass in the beginning, but once she was captured, her plot fell flat. The constant threat of rape or drowning her family was held over her head constantly. I understand needing her to be kidnapped to have Tarzan go on a warpath, but I felt it wasn’t necessary. Her character was too good to fail like this. Her exciting scene was running from a hippo.
Oh, let’s talk about the ending for a second. It is the most action you will see in the whole film. Tarzan does his mighty roar and calls a stampede. This scene was all over the place. Awful-looking special effects and CGI made this scene laughable, but I also wanted it to end. People getting crushed left and right. The whole fight scene with Leopold was meh, and, in the end, dude gets eaten by an alligator, or is it a crocodile. The film ends with Tarzan and Jane staying in Congo.
Hear me out if you made it this far. The Legend of Tarzan is one of those films you should skip. If a film has the words “The Legend of,” just move on. No need to watch because, for some reason, those three words will tell you it is a shitty movie. There are far better Tarzan films than this one. Watch the Disney version, and you will be happy.
