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Rating: 0.5 out of 5
Once in a while, a horror movie comes along that is so bad and mind-numbing that the only way to escape is to cry slowly in the corner and wish that it would end. You can probably name a few movies like that off the top of your head. Something like Jason X or maybe one of the Nightmare on Elm Street films, or how about a later Saw film. No matter what, you can bank that there will be very, very, very little scares and more of, “What the f**k is this s**t!”
Thirteen Ghosts is one of those horror films that is so bad that it is very, very, very hard to watch. A film that makes even ghosts float around and laugh out loud. Actually, if I was a ghost, I would phase to another world plane or world rather than be subjected to this all-mighty trash of a film. Thirteen Ghosts, this film should’ve been named Mind Melt.
Okay, so what is this film actually about. Well, the obvious thing is that it has to deal with thirteen wonderful and unique ghosts. Ghost hunter Cyrus Kriticos, played by Academy Award winner F. Murray Abraham and assistant Dennis Rafkin (Lillard), leads a team to capture a spirit called the Juggernaut in a junkyard. No, this isn’t the Juggernaut from X-Men, but the way he is portrayed, you might think he is when he stuffs people in a car. Several of the men are killed during the capture, including Cyrus himself. The team manages to catch the Juggernaut. The film moves on to Arthur Kriticos (Shalhoub), a mathematician who is also a widower, lives with his two children, Kathy (Elizabeth) and Bobby (Roberts), along with their babysitter/nanny Maggie (Digga). The family life changes when an estate lawyer of his uncle Cyrus, Benjamin Moss (Bourne), states that he has inherited a mansion. Arthur moves his family to the entirely glass mansion with Latin written all over it. As the family becomes situated, Dennis impersonates a power company operator looking for something. While searching the house, Moss unintentionally activates a mechanism set up by Cyrus that seals the entrance and releases the ghosts, one by one. Soon the family must fight against thirteen insane ghosts.
Okay, so the movie is pretty horrible. For one, it doesn’t go into any detail about the ghosts. It names them and gives like a word about them. I wanted to know some information on who these ghosts were. Some looked really insane and crazy. But hey, there were thirteen of them, and the princess walked around naked all the time. The Juggernaut was blah, and the jackal was pretty good, but overall, the ghosts were blah.
Now the actual point of this whole movie was that Cyrus needed to capture twelve ghosts and then made this machine that opened up a portal to hell. Why are all things or people so fascinated with hell and the devil? Does this machine grant immortality? What does it actually do?? Actually, now that I think about it, you won’t really care because the film is just stupid to begin with.
As far as the acting goes. You can tell this was a horrible movie because some people either didn’t act after or completely changed and went to television. Shannon Elizabeth, you were way too good for this film. You are amazing and beautiful, and I didn’t know why you wasted your time with this film. Tony Shalhoub, thank God you had your TV show Monk because this film was not for you. How can I forget about Matthew Lillard? Good thing you made a tremendous Shaggy impression because that saved your career for a while rather than this trash.
That is enough with Thirteen Ghosts. Other horror films are far better than this. I know a way better movie. How about you watch Casper for a while. That has way more frights than this horrible film. Save your time and life and just skip this film.
