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Rating: 2.25 out of 5
It has been a very, very, very long time since I watched Waterworld. I remember going to see it in theaters with my family when I was young and then maybe one time after that. To be honest, I remember the Universal Studios show more than the actual movie. Well, that all changed when I saw Waterworld on Hulu. I was somewhat excited just for the simple fact that it had been a while since I watched it.
Before I begin this excellent review, let me give some facts that I’ve found. Once again, thank you, Wikipedia, for all your incredible knowledge. At the time this film was made, Waterworld was the most expensive film ever made. Coming in at a WHOPPING $175 million to make. You know how much stuff you can buy with that? Nowadays, that number is pretty standard. A Marvel movie has that kind of budget and even more.
Ok, somewhat useless fact out of the way, now back to the actual review. How would I review Waterworld? Is it a good movie or is it a bad movie? Is it an entertaining movie or a movie that would leave you wondering why you wasted two hours of your precious life watching the film? After watching, I pondered the question for a mere two seconds, and even that might’ve been way too long.
Waterworld is one of those movies that has decent to above average action scenes, but after that, it is a total and epic failure. I forgot how bad this film actually was in terms of dialogue, acting, and sheer common sense. Was it a summer blockbuster film that made people? Sure. Was it a summer blockbuster that set the movie world on fire? Sure did, in the most painful ways.
The story is set sometime in the future. Pretty much like all disaster movies. Beside a barren wasteland caused by famine, nuclear explosions, or whatever the actual reason, this time, the Polar Ice Caps have melted and covered the land in water. Do we know why it happened? Nope. Do we even know if anyone did anything to stop it? Nope. The world is just covered in water now. Pretty much, the Road Warriors movie mixed with a little bit of the anime Blue Submarine No. 6, and we get the film Waterworld without all the people. Survivors live in all types of floating communities. We see about one of them, and that is it.
Costner stars as the Mariner. A man with no sense of humor and lives amongst the glory of the ocean. He is a loner and rides around in by far one of the best boats ever assembled. That is one of the few areas of this film that is great, the boat. The freakin boat is the BEST thing. Well, the Mariner travels to this outpost to get supplies by trading in the most precious material in the entire know blue world. That is……dirt. Yep, dirt. Do we know how he got the dirt? Not quite, but everyone seems to love the stuff like it’s a drug. Well, some stuff happens where he gets captured, and we learn that he is a mutant, aka a person that has gills behind his ears.
But wait! We need some villains. Obviously, the world isn’t right without someone threatening society. That group is the nasty and crazy Smokers lead by their equally crazy leader, Deacon (Hopper). The Smokers live on a rotting Exxon ship while using the last oil reserves to power their jet skis, seaplane, and barge, smoking an endless chain of cigarettes along the way. Here is a little idea. The Smokers look downright DIRTY. Like they have never taken a bath. Yet, there is water EVERYWHERE, and a simple dip in the water will be good. Actually, everyone looks like they stopped washing all together.
Sorry, I got off track. The whole movie revolves around everyone trying to find “dry land.” A place that has been forgotten and is a myth to everyone. A map showing where the land is located is tattooed on the back of a little girl named Enola (Majorino). Enola is watched over by the loving and protective Helen (Tripplehorn). The only problem, no one knows how to read the map. Actually, no one pretty much knows longitude and latitude. The next hour and a half of the whole film is the Mariner helping this girl and woman find dry land while battling the Smokers.
Ok, that is pretty much everything to the movie. A lousy plot that made no sense with other things. First, let’s talk about Kevin Costner as the Mariner. Really? No different role was out there, and you chose this one? The Mainer is not a really cool person. Actually, he is pretty dull and not exciting. His people skills are quite lacking. He is a loner and doesn’t like people, yet, he takes two people with him to escape. Actually, I think he hates women as he thinks they should be quite. He straight up traded one of them for paper. Yep, paper. Now he did save the woman but still. Costner was such a bore that I think he might’ve spoken no more than 50 words through the entire movie. He pretty much just yells and says like two words every once in a while.
The person who carries the film even though there wasn’t much carrying to do was Dennis Hopper. Hopper was animated and actually was the opposite of Costner. Yea, he kills people and smokes, but at least he looks like he is having a good time doing it. His ship is like a big frat house with everyone welcomed.
We all know, I love a good slap. This one had a slap that will make it on some type of list. The Smokers are flying overhead while looking down at the Mariner, Enola, and Helen in the boat. After an attack, Enola waves at the airplane like they are friends. The Mariner gives that “Are you out yo mind mama slap.” The one where she slaps you across the back of the head because you just stupid. One of those slaps that rattle the brain.
So what was the best thing that came out of this whole movie?????????????? The Universal Studios show. Yep, Universal Studios made a show out of it in their amusement parks. The show is 20 minutes long and is actually the best show of all the other shows. Now how is it that a 20-minute show is better than the actual movie? It’s because they took out all the useless material and showed just the explosions. The show probably made more money than the actual film.
Waterworld is a film that can be entertaining but can also be skipped. A world that is covered in water. It would be a great movie now if it made sense. The only exceptional things are the action scenes and Dennis Hopper. Might as well go to Universal Studios and watch the 20-minute show.
