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Rating: 2 out of 5
One of my favorite cartoons growing up was X-Men that appeared Fox during Saturday morning cartoons. The excitement when 1030 am came around because I knew X-Men was about to come on. That excitement was all in the name of watching my favorite character Wolverine. Even though I was a kid and the show went so far over my head, Wolverine was my favorite. I remember jumping up from my seat while acting like I had claws. How couldn’t a kid love Wolverine? He was violent, yet cool at the same time, and his hairstyle was INSANE! His famous saying was excellent also, “I’m the best at what I do. And what I do isn’t very nice.” Who couldn’t love a saying like that?
My friend came over and picked this film out. It had been years since I’ve seen this film. At first, I was hesitant because I couldn’t remember if it was a good movie or a bad movie. I remember that X-Men Last Stand was pretty meh. As I looked at the box of the DVD, I wondered to myself, “It couldn’t be that bad. If it is like a true Wolverine movie, it should have violence, blood, guts, foul language, and the ferocity of the best X-Men character.” Ten freaking minutes in the movie, oh did the disappointment of this film return. What an utter piece of s**t was this film. Really? This is what you made of Wolverine. Thanks for the origin story, but COME ON!! I actually want to cry because this movie was so bad.
The intriguing part of this whole movie is the A) how freakin’ old Wolverine is and B) how he got his famous claws. That’s about it. The rest of the story is a bore-fest. A big bore fest that could be left in the cold, dark abyss of a studio’s warehouse, never seeing the light of day again.
The film starts off in 1845 in the mean woods of Canada. We are introduced to a sickly boy named James and his creepy, half-brother, Victor Creed, who ironically sharpens his claws with a knife. A family squabble happens as Victor’s father murders a man named James. The stress of watching James die sends younger James into a frenzy that activates his mutation. As young James bone like claws come from his knuckles, he roars as he charges at the man who just killed his father. Introduction to the famous Wolverine berserker rage mode. He yells NO like a raging beast before stabbing the man in his stomach. We then find out that the man was actually James’ dad. Well, that sucks! You just killed yo pops, and your mom looks scared. What do you do in this situation?? Like any 6-year old kid in this situation. Runaway and have your older brother look after you.
We are introduced to a montage that shows the brothers running through the woods and soon grown men but fighting almost in every known war. James (Jackman) and Victor (Schreiber) fight in the Civil War, followed by World War I and World War II, while all the time keeping their manly appearances. No matter how many times they get shot, the violence keeps happening, especially on Victor’s side. Dude is obsessed with violence. We end our “epic” montage with some battle scene in the Vietnam War, where the two brothers are tied to a post and shot. BUT wait, their healing powers make it like a tickle, and they wake in prison. So, let’s say that this incident happened at the end of the Vietnam War, which would put Wolverine around 130 years old. Fountain of youth going on right there and has the skills of a 20-year-old. I want some of that youth.
After the first questions were answered, we obviously need to answer the second question: How the hell does Wolverine get his famous claws. The movie explains that in an oh so unique way. James and Victor are recruited by the mastermind behind the whole thing. A wonderful Col. William Stryker (Huston) comes along and offers them membership into a team called Weapon X with a group of other mutants, one being Wade Wilson (Reynolds), the talkative Deadpool, Black Eye Peas frontman Will.I.Am who has like Nightcrawler abilities but not entirely and one of the Hobbits from Lord of the Rings but his name escape me and his powers dealt with the mind. Definitely didn’t pay that much attention. The group does its thing for a few years until they make their way to a compound. After some significant killing by one dude named Agent Zero, we learn that Stryker is looking from some type of rock that came from space. After killing some villagers, Logan (Wolverine decides to change his name to Logan at this point), throws up some deuces, and says, “I’m Out!” and dips from the group. I guess killing innocent villagers was enough for him.
The movie then jumps six years as our boy Logan has become a lumberjack somewhere in Canada. He is in a relationship now with a BEAUTIFUL Kayla Silverfox (Collins). Things seem great when just wait for it, Stryker and his number one boy Agent Zero comes and recruits Logan again because they found a way to get some type of material from the rocks. Logan turns them down, and the story proceeds with Victor “killing” Kayla, and Logan calls on his inner Drake…….. Lookin’ for Revennggeeee!
Victor is chillin at the bar when Logan bursts through the door with his bone like claws drawn. The two brothers get in a minor tussle. Why is it minor?? Because Logan gets his a** handed to him by Victor. To the point that Victor is a sign of disrespect, stomps on Logan’s claws, and breaks them. Oh, the disrespect. Logan is rushed to the hospital when his healing abilities restore him before the doctor can do anything about it. This brings us to the ultimate second question: how Logan gets his name and claws.
Col. Stryker is at the hospital and says he has a way to make Logan more powerful than Victor. The rock he found can be liquified and turned into an unbreakable metal. Logan agrees and gets ready to have his bones infused with the metal-like substance. He is dipped in a tank, but before he does, he needs some new dog tags that say Wolverine now. The process is absolutely painful as his heart rate hits over 300. Logan survives this procedure and overhears everyone stating to erase his memories. This sends him in berserker mode 2, and he jumps out of the tank in glorious fashion with his brand, new spankin claws. They be soooooo shiny!
So that should be the end of the movie, right? Nope! Logan must go off and find Victor and stop him to get revenge for his former love while trying to find out where he is. We’re also introduced to some original X-Men when they were kids. Spot them out if you can.
Yep! As you probably know by now, the sarcastic attitude is very high right now. Jackman does his best as Wolverine, but sometimes your best isn’t good enough. Yes, Wolverine isn’t the most powerful X-Men or even the most charismatic and even likable. But that is what makes him great. He doesn’t give a s**t about anyone and does things his way. Wolverine is almost always ranking in the top 5 of the X-Men and superhero list of all-time. Yet, this movie just straight up makes him look laughable with half the time running around in an undershirt.
Besides the whole Adamantium scene and the life montage, what was the real purpose of the second half of this entire film? The film throws in fan-favorite Gambit, but it makes him look so bad. Poor Taylor Kitsch. Your career has definitely gone downhill after all those strings of bad movies. Look on the bright side, you can say you always played Gambit. Ryan Reynolds. I’m proud of you. You redeemed yourself by giving Deadpool the movie he deserved rather than this crap. I stand and applaud you for never giving up.
Besides the explosions and rage moments and all the yelling. This has got to be one of the X-Men movies in the entire franchise. One could watch half this movie and be set, but you will have to stay until the end because you need to know why Logan lost his memories. If only there was a way for me to wipe my memories from watching this whole movie.
