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We are back again baby!!! Damn I love finding awful, bad, no-good, terrible films for y’all. Bad movies are the gift that keeps on giving and I love sitting down and watching them for you, so you don’t have to. The sacrifice is truly for you and the readers of this blog. This time around, I have another special group of films that will make you cringe in all ways.
Hot to Trot (1988)
This film is definitely not hot to trot. It is more like horse shit spread over a pasture. A film where the legendary John Candy provides his voice to play a talking horse. In the film it follows an investment broker who gets investment tips from a talking horse. This film is awful on so many ways that my brain hurt. If my turtle could give me investment tips, my life would probably be trash like this film.
North (1994)
I absolutely hate this film. I think Elijah Wood is okay, and Rob Reiner is a good director, but this film is absolutely TRASH!! A film where a kid named North is frustrated with his parents because they don’t give him attention, so he files a lawsuit against them. The judge rules in his favor to find new parents or return to his own. You know what, take your ass and find a job or something. This film is terrible and it needs to be sent up NORTH to the penguins. They might send it back. Oh, and Bruce Willis appears as the Easter Bunny or something.
The Cat in the Hat (2003)
It pains me to put this here. It pains me to put it over there. This film is really bad. This film might make you feel very sad. The Cat in the Hat is a classic Dr. Suess book, but the film is a boring, witless film that makes the beloved Dr. Suess legendary cat a potty mouth humorless character. I don’t know what Mike Myers was doing but whatever this was, it is blah. Begone Cat in the Hat and never come out again.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)
The first film wasn’t that good, but when you make almost 5 times your budget, then you know a sequel was going to be made. The sequel to Paul Blart was outrageously bad. There needs to be signs that say, “Stop while you’re ahead.” This film didn’t need to be made where Paul Blart is invited to Las Vegas to attend a security convention and stop a heist. I’m so tired of looking at a segway that they need to be banned. The jokes in this film were bad, unfunny and cringeworthy.
The Last Thing He Wanted (2020)
The last thing I ever wanted was to watch this film because it is all over the place. Starring Anne Hathaway, the film revolves around a veteran journalist who helps her pops obtain an arms deal while also trying to break a story. This film kept me lost at all times that when something happened it either didn’t make sense or I wondered why it went in that direction. As a political thriller with twists, it was a fuck all film that wanted to be more but disappointed in all way. I feel like I should get Anne Hathaway a cake that says, “at least you tried.”
