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Rating: 1.75 out of 5
I started reading some of H.P. Lovecraft’s works. One of the cosmic entities that he created is the one and only Cthulhu. I don’t see much of the fascination of one of the Great Old Ones. Scratch that. Let me say that I see why this cosmic god or deity probably has so much influence on the world. The deity is freakin insane to look at. Introduced in his short story, “The Call of Cthulhu,” in 12928, the mighty deity has risen in the eyes of all around the world. I don’t know what any of the gods look like, but I highly doubt I want to see Cthulhu. This dude is massive and said to resemble a green octopus, a dragon, and a human caricature. Cthulhu is so large that it might and probably will make Godzilla its bitch. It has webbed, humanlike arms and legs with giant wings on its back. Once again, definitely don’t want to see this thing in real life.
Over the years, Cthulhu has gained immense popularity from science, politics, movies, and television. You need a cosmic entity that cultists need to pray to, call on Cthulhu. Call on Cthulhu if you need a video game with a twist ending. You need a monster movie where things go wild deep in the sea, call on Cthulhu. You don’t like how your country’s politics are going, call of Cthulhu. Cthulhu will set everything right by destroying it and moving on to better things.
Today, I want to give you another movie from the depths of Tubi. Tubi has a lot of depths of WTF movies going on. Tubi has films that you probably didn’t even know existed. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Tubi; it has some incredible films for everyone. If you are looking for some crazy, trashy, WTF is going on movies, it is definitely the place to go. As I went down the rabbit hole of B or maybe C-movies, I landed on Call Girl of Cthulhu. Don’t ask me why I landed on this one particular movie. I probably saw the cute girl on the screen and thought, this will be trashy and mind-numbing to watch. Let me tell you, it was sure entertaining and all over the place. Gotta give it up to people who try and put themselves out there. Mad respect.
Let’s dive into this review and film. Coming in from the independent studio Midnight Crew Studios and directed by Chris LaMartina, you are about to get a crazy story. Virgin artist and pretty much a loser Carter (Carollo) spends his time looking at camgirl porn sites and jacking off vigorously. He really wants to lose his virginity, but he wants it to be with the right one. Carter’s roommate, Erica (Le Faye), and her boyfriend pick on him every chance. One day, Carter spots a beautiful call girl name Riley (O’Brien) who has a strange birthmark of Cthulhu on her right ass cheek. Carter hits that T-Pain “I’m In Luv with a Stripper” sound and goes on several dates with Riley. Elsewhere, a cult of Cthulhu-worshiping cultists of the Church of Starry Wisdom is looking for the person with the birthmark of Cthulhu, who is led by a crazy dude. When they realized Riley was the one they wanted, they kidnapped her. Carter is soon aided by pirate looking crazy ass Edna Curwen (Ball) and Squid (Taylor-Smith), to stop the cultists and hopefully be reunited with his stripping call girl girlfriend.
This movie is all over the place and somewhat entertaining. I like a film that knows it is going to be all over the place and says, F-It, this is what is going to happen without any shame. Are there a lot of plot holes in this film? Of course, it doesn’t matter because it’s so laughable. The film does start off with Carter in police custody being interrogated and you’re like shit is about to go down. First, the evil cultist dude hires prostitutes and then wants to only look at their ass. When it is not the person, the weird cultists show up, kill the prostitutes, and turn them into some type of zombie. It is all over the place, but okay. Edna looks for the book of Cthulhu, which the evil dude has. He leaves it around for anyone to take.
The film is funny by showing all of Riley’s clients. She has some strange and freaky clients, from one being a doctor to another being a baby and some freaky ones. They have some strange fetishes going on. When Riley gets captured and changes from some ceremony, the fetishes with her clients go weird. Homegirl’s body starts eating people. Her boobs eat or infect one person. Her “flower” eats another one. I think she even pisses on someone and burns them. In the end, Riley becomes this nasty-looking creature from Slither.
The whole thing with Edna and Squid is so far out there it’s laughable. Let’s talk about Squid. How are you going to strap up and act all big and bad? Walk into the enemy’s layer, kill like two people and die like a punk-ass bitch. I don’t know if they wanted to make her character seem useless but damn, she was. Edna was the crazy professor who got the book but didn’t do anything with it. Why take the book, copy it, and then give it back? It made no sense whatsoever. Also, Carter gets his freak on with Erica. Those two should’ve gone at it before all of this, but okay. Erica is dark and all over the place, but she is cute. Also, she dies which is fucked up.
Call Girl of Cthulhu is one of those B or C movies that is entertaining but not for everyone. The film has nudity and strong language, but you get what you get. The acting is suitable for this film. If you are in the mood for just whatever and mindless entertainment, then put this film on. Maybe at nighttime and not with any kids around. All hail Cthulhu!!
