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Rating: 0.25 out of 5
Who would’ve thought that Winnie-the-Pooh could be a psychotic killer? I didn’t know it could’ve been done, and here we are with Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey. I suppose there have been movies of beloved characters made into creepy killers before, but this film will leave you speechless with how bad it is. Of all the characters, you pick Winnie-the-Pooh as a homicidal killer. Then it throws in Piglet as his accomplice. This film is so bad that it’s not even good. I go to Disneyland, and when I ride the Winnie-the-Pooh ride, how can that bear kill anyone? He just wants his Hunny.
You might be wondering about the plot of this terrible film. Well, you are in luck because I can help you out and avoid watching the movie. The film begins like some creepy ass cartoon sketch. It provides a normal overview of a young Christopher Robin who meets all the Winnie-the-Pooh characters and their crew, including Owl, Rabbit, Eeyore, Tigger, Kanga, Roo, and Piglet, in the Hundred Acre Wood. They play and life is good until Christopher grows up and bounces off to college. Somehow, these creatures forgot about winter and not having enough food. The unthinkable happens, these fools kill and eat Eeyore. Say whattttttttttt? Yup, and traumatized by what they did, they develop a hatred towards humans, specifically Christopher, and return to their animalistic, feral ways, along with vowing to never speak again. Yup, that is the freakin start of this film, but wait, there’s more.
Five years later, when Christopher is done with college, he returns with his fiancée, Mary, and thinks everything will be great. When he discovers that his former home is in ruins, he questions everything before Piglet ambushes him. He strangles Mary to death before Pooh drags Christopher into the woods. I’m going to stop right here because I have some questions. Christopher, you didn’t come home at all during those five years. Really? You didn’t go home once. How the fuck did Pooh and Piglet get so freakin huge? They honestly looked like they spent more time in the gym and lifting heavy ass weight.
The film jumps sometime later, and we are introduced to some beautiful college students named Maria, Jessica, Alice, Zoe, Lara, and Tina. They get the bright idea of renting a cabin in the Hundred Acre Wood. Why? Maria had something fucked up happen to her. She wakes up in her room, and some dude is licking her feet. What the actual fuck!?!? Next thing we see is Tina lost in the woods, and she is suddenly attacked by Pooh. She hides in a garage, but Pooh finds her, rips off her shirt, and throws her headfirst into a wood chipper, killing her. The scene then changes to Pooh whipping Christopher with Eeyore’s tail like he is a slave. Yes, I said it. Then he showers him with Mary’s blood. This film went far off the rails, and there appear to be more people to kill.
Please let me stop because I don’t want to continue writing about how bad this film is. I can do this. When night falls, all hell breaks loose. Pooh and Piglet up their violence. First, Lara is looking hot and sexy in the hot tub. The pair snake up on her, knock her out, and run over her head with a car. Piglet goes off and kills Zoe with a sledgehammer. Maria and Jessica watch Alice be taken by Pooh. They manage to rescue her, and they roll up to Pooh’s treehouse, free Christopher, and a person named Charlene. What the fuck is going on here?!?! Charlene loses her mind and goes after revenge against Piglet. She summons him, ready to throw hands. You think Charlene was about to do the damn thing, but Piglet says Hold my beer and whoops the shit out of her and kills her. Pooh looks at Maria and Jessica and chases them while Alice decides to throw hands against Piglet. Alice manages to get the upper hand on Piglet until Pooh is like, You’re fucking with my boy and impales her. Shit was weird, and then Maria and Jessica find a group of men, and they try to fuck Pooh up. Pooh slaps the literal taste out of one of the men’s mouths and kills everyone. The ending is crazy, where Pooh gets hit by a car, gets up, kills another person while Christopher bounces and runs away.
That is the whole film. There are numerous WTF moments, and the film is riddled with multiple flaws. As you just read, the story is straight-up ass. Where is Bart Simpson with a cake that says, “At least you tried.” I had little expectations with this film, and it didn’t even get off the ground. It actually buried itself underneath the surface. Didn’t think that was possible. The story was a chaotic, all-over-the-place slasher film. Take the Descent and make it crappy while adding a beloved character. Also, where the fuck were the other creatures? Where were Tigger, Owl, and Rabbit?
I’m not going to rip the actresses involved in this film. When you need a job, make that paper and get all the experience you can get. What I am going to rip is the dialogue of this film? It was truly all over the place. It got to the point where I stopped listening to it because other things were going on, like a person with their head being run over.
I’m going to stop here because I can type for a while on how bad this film is. It was a less-than-entertaining horror film on a beloved character turned killer who seemed to grow to 8 feet tall and built like a tank. Skip this film, or your mind might be dumped into a barrel of honey.
