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Rating: 1 out of 5
Oooooh, Red Sonja, the fierce woman warrior who can rival Conan the Barbarian. If you don’t know who Red Sonja is, let me give you a quick history lesson. Created in 1973 for Marvel Comics. Yes, the Marvel Comics featuring Iron Man, Captain America, Black Panther, and the crew. Red Sonja was created by writer Roy Thomas and artist Barry Windsor-Smith in the world of sword-and-sorcery. She was a warrior from the Hyborian Age of Earth-616 and often rolled with Conan the Barbarian. Sonja was a dream for all little boys and men as she fought evil in a scale mail bikini armor and wielded a sword like the best of them. Red Sonja was so popular that in 2011, she ranked first in Comics Buyer’s Guide’s “100 Sexiest Women in Comics” list.
Back in 1985, which is a great year, Red Sonja dropped on the world. I want to take a side trip before getting into this review. When I was a young man, I remember watching Conan the Barbarian starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. I remember all the swords and sorcery, and I was enthralled by it. This was the time when I watched that old school, highly epic Excalibur film starring my love, Helen Mirren. I remember one day sitting down with my mom, and Red Sonja came on. I remember asking my mom who Red Sonja was, and she said that she was the female counterpart to Conan the Barbarian. I also remember that my mom said the movie was terrible. Still, I watched it and remembered the mechanical alligator thing and an annoying kid. I forgot about this film until 2025, when it was on the wonderful world of Tubi. I forgot how terrible this film was. There are some films that even sorcery can’t help.
This “amazing,” “fantastic,” and “spectacular” film was directed by Richard Fleischer and written by Clive Exton and George MacDonald Fraser. Oh, did they present a film for the ages that might live in infamy. The film stars Brigitte Nielsen in her first role, along with Arnold “Big Arms” Schwarzenegger, Sandahl Bergman, Paul Smith, and Ronald Lacey. Taking place in prehistoric times, with no dinosaurs, but I guess in the same world as Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer. It got confusing when Arnold was a different character, but let’s jump into this review, shall we!!
The film begins with Sonja’s (Nielsen) home being attacked by Queen Gedren (Bergman) and her soldiers. When Sonja rejects Queen Gedren’s advances and wounds her beautiful face. Queen Gedren loses her mind and has Sonja’s parents and brother killed right in front of her, and then has her soldiers gang rape her before leaving her to die. Yup, that is one way to traumatize someone. Sonja cries out for revenge when a female wood spirit or God appears and grants her advanced fighting skills. Still, the only thing she can’t do is sleep with any dude until they defeat her in fair combat. Looks like someone might be getting any for a long ass time. Sonja dips from her home and trains under a sword-master called “The Grand Master” while also saying that all men ain’t shit.
Sonja’s sister, Varna, is one of the temple priestesses about to banish a giant, glowing emerald called the Talisman, which created the world and all living things. The Talisman can only be touched by women. Men straight up disappear if they touch it. For some reason, the thing needs to be sealed away because it has become too powerful. Queen Gedren is like, fuck that, I want that in my crib right next to my throne. She has her army attack the temple, kill almost everyone, and throw some priestesses and shield-maidens into a pit that is sealed before bouncing with the Talisman. Varna manages to escape but is mortally wounded. Who saves her?? Kalidor (Schwarzenegger), the Lord of Hyrkania. Yet, Varna dies after Kalidor brings her to Sonja, and she tells her that old girl took the Talisman. Now Sonja is like fuck that. I need to find old girl and whoop her ass.
You thought the movie went off the deep end before, but it gets even worse with the introduction of Prince Tarn and his servant/bodyguard Falkon. Tarn is the most annoying character in the entire movie. Damn you, Queen Gedren!! When you destroyed this little shit’s kingdom, you couldn’t kill him either. The constant my name is whatever and then he gets his ass handed to him. All those sword-twirling skills only for you to get whipped every time. I think he only killed one dude in the entire movie.
The film tries for a Conan-type feel, but it fails dramatically. Some of the fighting scenes are wasted on that little shit named Tarn. First, Tarn gets captured by bandits, and Sonja has to save his ass, but the whole fighting scene felt off and wonky. It didn’t look natural, nor was the entire saving scene. One of the biggest travesties of this film was Gedren’s “Killing Machine” dragon, or alligator, or whatever it was. I remember seeing that as a kid and thought it was so cool. Now, as a grown ass adult, it is one of the stupidest scenes ever. Tarn messed up, and Conan, whoops sorry, Kalidor shows up looking like a red popsicle and starts fighting the machine thing, only to blind it and bounce.
If you think the killing machine scene was something to behold, wait, there is more. Sonja allows Conan, whoops, sorry again, Kalidor to roll with them. Dude wants to clap those cheeks. Sonja lets dude know that the only way any man is clapping these cheeks is if they can defeat her. Ladies and Gentlemen, we once again have a stupid scene: a long, drawn-out sword fight between Sonja and Kalidor. Where it is a tie and no cheeks will be clapped. Waste of time.
The film does the whole Sonja vs Queen Gerden fight that could’ve been decent, but the whole magician in the corner doing things through it was way off. How are you a magician with your laboratory set, sitting in the open where everyone could see you? You don’t have any side room you could go to? The fight was all over the place, and in the end, you didn’t care who won because you were over it. After Sonja defeats Queen Gerden, Sonja and Kalidor decide to resume their fight to see if Sonja will get her cheeks clapped.
I really don’t want to talk about any of the acting. It was all over the place, so it was hard to watch after a while. Maybe I will take a quick second to talk about the acting. Brigitte Nielsen tried as Red Sonja and was okay. She had the look, but for her first movie, it could’ve been better. Arnold Schwarzenegger as Lord Kalidor should’ve had a cameo appearance as Conan rather than this role. I know he had star appeal, but it didn’t work. Sandahl Bergman as Queen Gedren was okay. I thought she was the best part. Don’t get me started on Ernie Reyes, Jr. as Tarn. The most annoying character who I wished didn’t say more than three words, but we can dream.
Red Sonja was a film about a highly ranked comic book character, only to turn into a dumpster fire. The character deserved better than what it was presented. Brigitte Nielsen was okay for the role, but maybe it was wishful thinking to make this film after the success of Conan. The story was decent, but it needed more substance; it felt too quick. Watch the red-headed warrior or skip it.
